Day 391: Ebb

Depression is a weird thing. It manifests in so many ways. There’s the common symptoms: Lack of energy, lack of intrest, lethargy, lack of focus. There’s also some folks that throw themselves into something in an attempt to avoid their feelings.

“I don’t have time to stay in bed, I have a deadline.”

“I can’t eat. I have more important things to do.”

“I forgot to do something important. I have to push myself harder next time.”

These folks don’t seem outwardly depressed. In fact, they seem like very productive and together people. If you look closley, these same folks are trying to bury somehing that could ultmately kill them. They tend to burn out fast and their crash is worse because of the overwork.

Just because people seem on top of things on the outside, that isn’t always the case.

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Day 389: Recovery

I made sure to hit the gym today. Exercise really does improve your mood. I was not a believer, but I’m convinced.

I wonder what about me changed. I used to hate going to the gym. The thought of working out made me cringe. Now, I look forward to my gym days. It’s amazing.

While I was on the treadmill, I even though of training for a 5K. Like, seriously thinking about it. It’s only a little over three miles. Seems doable. I could walk one. There’s no reason to think about running yet.

I’m not ready for that.

Shifts in mindset is so amazing. I think I forgot that.

Day 388: Relapse

This time last year, I was happy and in love. I wrote a sappy post for the man I loved and was glad to share with the world. Yesterday, I felt amazing. I was all set to put another sappy post into the universe. For the first time in ages, I felt as if I was doing something good for my life. It seemed like things were going to be okay and I was moving in the right direction.

Today is a different story.

Maybe it’s because I had a weird dream about my dead grandfather.

Maybe it was because I didn’t get my extra walking in today.

Maybe it was because my stress level peaked again this afternoon.

Maybe because today is my anniversary and my personal life is a lowkey shambles.

Maybe because I blew my calorie budget in an attempt to make myself feel better and the food was mediocre at best.

Maybe it was because I’m not allowed to be in a decent mood for any significant amount of time.

Either way, right now I’m feeling terrible about myself. About my life. About my future. My depression has returned with a vengeance. I hate when this happens. It’s as if I dared to imagine my life without this heaviness on my heart. It’s like I offended my illness and Its angry. Its being needlessly relentless today.

No, depression. I didn’t forget about you. I would love to but I can’t. You don’t give me a chance to. You don’t leave me alone for long enough for me to escape you long term. You know that, don’t you?

Don’t You?

Day 387: Good day

Today felt amazing. There was some negativity brewing on the horizon at work, but it didn’t ruin my whole day. Today, I managed to

  • Take a walk before work
  • Leave work early for a meeting
  • Forget said meeting was cancelled and earn a free afternoon
  • Work out for over an hour at the gym
  • Come home and cook a healthy dinner that my son actually ate.
  • Totally smash my step goal for today

For now, I feel great. Things aren’t perfect. There are things that I could let bother me right now. Instead, I’ve decided to ride this wave of Joy for as long as I can.

I hope everyone can find something positive to cling to in their days.!

Day 385: Grads

This spring, my son will graduate middle school. This summer, I’ll earn a B.A. in sociology.

I’m not nearly as excited as I should be. Both events are huge milestones for us, but I have little idea where to go from here. My son is going to high school, of course. He’s still got time to figure some things out. I, however, need a plan much sooner.

I should do grad school, but it’s very daunting. I’m already intimidated by horror stories from other grad students. Most of those people don’t have as many attachments as I do. No kids, no husbands, not much in the way of full time employment either. They truly have time to devote to grad school. Things aren’t so black and white for me.

I’ve already complained about how nervous I am about my future. I’m not sure where I’m going or what I need to be doing. I’m not even sure about what I love to do. People say that you should figure that out and go from there. Thinking about it makes me feel more lost and confused.

I’m into social justice. I love learning about people and social inequalities. That’s real interesting to me, hence the sociology degree. The sad part is that I need at least a master’s degree to be taken seriously in those fields. My dinky little bachelor’s isn’t good for anything. It’s as if college has been a colossal waste of time…

I’m getting angrier thinking about it. I don’t have another plan other than education. I don’t have another path out of poverty. Working hard isn’t gonna cut it. That’s a joke in this country. I shouldn’t be thinking that my only escape route is useless and that I’ve wasted the better part of the last fifteen or sixteen years.

For the moment, I’m going to ignore those negative thoughts. For right now, I’m going to try and be proud of my accomplishments. I’ll have a bachelor’s degree by the end of the summer. That’s more than a lot of people have managed. I’ll work up to some excitement by then, I’m sure.