Day 208: Bouncy Balls

We’ve had a break in the heat. A massive thunderstorm rolled through last night. It was amazing. Lots of wind, rain, lightning and thunder. There was too much energy in this storm for me to feel safe outside, but I watched for a long while through a window.

I haven’t seen a storm like this one in a while. The lightning didn’t feel intimidating or scary. It was almost playful. Have you ever watched a toddler playing with a ball that’s as big as they are? They just throw themselves into it, bounce off, giggle their heads off and do it again. That was what the lightning was doing last night. Bouncing around, playing, having fun. The wind and rain also wanted to enjoy themselves too. The wind would howl and throw the rain around in swirls and waves. The patterns the falling rain made in the street were interesting.

I guess everything needs some fun every now and again. I’m taking this as my sign that I desperately need to do something fun before my Summer is over. I don’t know what that fun thing will be or how it’s happening, but its something I need to do.

I have nine days left. Let’s see what happens.

Day 207: Growing

Heat wave day four: I think we’re turned the lunacy corner. Today, I saw a gentleman in a cape sitting on the roof of an apartment building. No shirt, shorts, no shoes, cape. Is it October yet?

My melons are getting bigger and my sunflower is about to bloom. The warmer weather has been good to my little garden. I’ve been in a better mood lately, too. Not that my problems have gone away or improved, I’ve just been worried about people other than myself. That change of perspective can be nice from time to time. I know that sounded selfish, but its true.

I’m gonna see if someone will lit me play in their pool for the afternoon.

 

Day 206: Cool it

Heat wave day 3: People have started to lose it. Nobody is in a pleasant mood. At least another four days of 100+ degree temps are expected. Stay hydrated.

Speaking of losing it, don’t be that guy.

You know the one.

The guy who always has to offer their opinion when nobody asked for it.

The guy who dismisses other people’s feelings.

The guy who thinks poor people deserve to be poor.

The guy who turns up their nose at the gay couple across the room.

The guy who believes that their life success is totally merit-based.

The guy who avoids homeless people in the street as if they are contagious.

They guy who thinks racism is over and Black people need to stop talking about it.

Stop it. Think about it.

To be like this in the year of Our Lord, 2017…ugh.

It’s not a good look.

Day 205: Tear-Stained Hearts

Heat wave day 2: Things are nasty. My plants look to be on the verge of death. I wish I could move them into a shadier place. The sun is brutal. Protect yourselves.

In other news, I went to church again yesterday. I’m not claiming to be a very good Christian, or even Christian at all, but I felt like praying there would have more meaning. Sounds silly, but it didn’t hurt to try.

I wasn’t praying for my sake. You may recall an older post about my friend, Brandy, and her pregnancy with twins. Things had be going awesome but she took a bad turn last week. Her cervix began funneling and she was as sick as she could possibly be. Apparently, with single pregnancies, you can just have a surgery to shore up the cervix until the baby is at a more viable age. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case with multiples. The surgery becomes more risky and potentially dangerous for everyone involved as the pregnancy progresses. All she and her wife could do was to wait and pray.

I did the same. I’m not used to speaking with the Christian God. He and I have a very strained relationship that goes back into my childhood. Instead, I prefer to speak with different deities. “Whomever is on duty” is my typical salutation.

Anyway, I sat in church and asked God to give my friend the strength to deal with whatever the Universe was throwing at them. I know that most people would pray that Brandy and the babies would remain safe and healthy. I tried to throw that in there as well, but I’m a realist. I know that sometimes that our Earthly plans and The Universe’s plans don’t line up. It’s shitty but it’s a fact of Life. Keeping that in mind, I asked for strength, guidance and protection for my friends.

Sadly, at around the same time I was doing this, the male twin decided to make his appearance early. Around twenty-one weeks early. The little darling made it only three minutes before passing on. His name was Jeremiah Alan.

As of this morning, his sister is still in place. My friends are destroyed and heartbroken. All of us who know the situation are heartbroken as well. The Universe is a cruel mistress at times and we are all subject to its whims. We all want this little girl to be born healthy and at the proper time. The agony of losing both of them would probably be too much for my friends to handle.

I’ve never had to handle such a loss and I can’t truly imagine the sadness that Brandy and her wife are feeling right now. I’ve read stories about mothers that have lost a child and its really a terrible thing. You see reminders of them everywhere, especially if you’ve been busily preparing your home for their arrival. The sight of other mothers with their babies has even sent some women down a suicidal path. It’s possibly the worst pain a person can endure.

I hate seeing people I care about in pain, but I’m not sure what I can do to help. All I know I can do is continue to be as supportive as I can. They are going to need all the love and friendship I can muster for the foreseeable future.

Day 202: Toss Up

Recently, I’ve spent far too much time watching the sun rise. I don’t have an issue with this most of the time. Sunlight can be helpful in fighting my depression. At the same time,  anxious sleepless nights have become my new normal. I’m almost always awake when daybreak happens and I don’t want to disturb anyone’s rest, so I lie in bed and watch the light break across the windows.

Mornings can be very nice. Running through your morning routine everyday can help a person feel focused and on track. Sadly, I’m not one of those people.

When I have to get up early for work or some other engagement, there are days when I’m too full of anxiety about the upcoming day to rest properly. I’m upset when the alarm goes off. I drag myself to get ready and make my son do the same. We have to be out the door at a certain time, you know.

It’s easy to set yourself on auto pilot when you have other things to think about. Your daily schedule can be an excellent distraction from whatever emotional nonsense the brain might be preparing to unleash. The days when I don’t have the distraction are more interesting to me.

My brain hasn’t settled on a course yet, so my feelings can fluctuate between ready to go and ready to stay in bed. I might have a really good day or a really terrible one. It could honestly go either way. I can feel both in turn, fighting for control. Telling myself that I’m going to be okay only works occasionally. To be honest, I don’t feel as if it’s my decision.  I could be determined to feel one thing and end up in a totally different emotional place. It really just depends. The process can be alarmingly exhausting.

Does any of this sound familiar? Do other people’s depression and anxiety have a battle with them every day? I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Is it any wonder why people seem so frustrated and stressed first thing in the morning? Dealing with yourself can be a daunting daily event. Couple that with the normal stress of living in our society and the dangerous setup for burnout and emotional collapse is set into motion. Is it any wonder why there have so many attacks at schools and workplaces in America? People are stretched thin.

I don’t have an overarching solution. It’s difficult for me to find answers for myself sometimes. The difference between myself and others is that I’m slowly trying to break the cycle. Many people just keep pushing until something gives. Usually meaning that their physical health or personal relationships suffer as a result. I’ve done that too many times in the past and it is no way to live.

Lately, I’ve been trying to pay attention to myself and when I can tell that I’m approaching a breaking point, I want to find a good way to slow down. It’s difficult, but possible. I’m not always successful, but I’m still learning.

We all are..

Day 201: Heated

Today’s scheduled post was supposed to be about forgiveness.

Forget that.

My mother fucking air conditioner just broke. It just started screaming and stopped making cold air. I am LIVID!

As if I needed another damn thing. As if I needed to worry about ANOTHER DAMN THING!

Now, I have to go make dinner in the heat. Going out isn’t an option. FML.

Day 200: Wow!

Wow! I made it to day 200. That’s awesome.

Today wasn’t even a bad day either. Went out with the family, did some domestic stuff.

I’m honestly thinking about a nap at the moment.

 

Isn’t my blog super interesting, guys? Aren’t you glad you stuck around this long?

Cause I am. It means a lot to me.

Thanks again!

Day 199: Writing Again

Today, for the first time in ages, I wrote some fiction.

I did some really creative writing this morning. It feels great to say that again.

I’ve been meaning to for a while. There was a little voice that was demanding to be heard.

Her name is Marigold. She’s five years old and would not leave me alone.

I don’t know if the rest of the world will ever meet Marigold. She’s creative and spunky and a tomboy. I love her to pieces.

I wish I had some talented artist friends.