All posts by queenofthenightshade

Exciting News!

Hello again!

I’ve been sitting on this news for a while, but I am now a blogger for Healing Melanins!

Healing Melanins is a group dedicated to the mental health of Black women. We are there to support each other and foster awareness of our unique situations. It’s a wonderful group. It would be amazing if you would visit the site, maybe even show some support.

Here’s a link to the site. BOOM!

Here’s a link to my latest. POW!

Thanks guys!


Now What?

I’m up early again and I have a few thoughts.
I’m right up against graduation now. About a month and a half away. Three more classes to finish in that time. I’m shopping around for decent online graduate programs.

I should be congratulating myself. I put in a lot of hard work and long hours to get where I am, and I should be proud.

To a degree, I am. I never thought I would get here. I would just be enrolled in undergrad indefinitely. It’s taken this long. Why wouldn’t it always be there?

Somehow, I’ve put together enough hours for someone to decide that I need to get out of there. One hundred and seventy-seven credit hours amassed since 2001 to be precise.

I’ve wasted a lot of time on failure. Thinking about it. Obsessing over it. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough for success. It created a bunch of false starts and premature stops. I failed some classes and bounced around schools. When I went back full time in 2011, I decided that I wasn’t dropping the ball anymore. I wouldn’t stop working until I had a bachelor’s degree of some kind in my possession. I didn’t really care what kind or who it came from. I just needed it to be finished.

Fast forward to now. I’m really on the edge of achieving a major life goal. At a time when I should be elated and proud, I’m facing another big unknown.

Now what?

That’s the question that plagues so many of us. You’ve pushed so long and so hard for something and the Fates decided to be kind and bless you. Now what?

What will you do with your energy now? What about all that resolve? What will you devote yourself to?

I’ve found myself at a crossroad and I’m feeling lost. I honestly have no idea of what to do with myself now.

I’ve asked for advice. People tell me to pursue something I love. They ask where I see myself in five or ten years. It’s hard because I never allow myself to dream. I don’t let myself look forward to very much. I can’t handle disappointment very well. I’d basically given up on wanting more for myself. That’s part of why I am so unprepared for the future. I never really faced it. I’ve been so focused of getting through every single day that I couldn’t even imagine what could be.

In five years, I’ll be forty years old. In the land that people call middle aged. My son will be done with high school and I’ll have an empty nest. That’s when people are supposed to start really enjoying life, right? After their kids are grown.

I could have a master’s degree by then. In something. That sounds cool.
I could find a career I could really throw myself into. Try to make a difference in the world.
I could say to Hell with this, buy a RV, and drive around North America.
All very realistic options.

In the meantime, I’m trying to let myself be hopeful about my life. About where I’ve been and where I’m going. I’ve begun to stick my head out from under my cloud to see what I’ve been missing all these years. I must trust that I’m making the right decisions and that I’ve learned from my bad ones. I’m looking ahead for the first time in years, just to find a void. A void full of potential options and outcomes stands before me and it’s terrifying.

Now what, indeed?

quick ramble

Hello friends,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

That’s my fault. I’ve been in quite an emotional whirlwind these past few months and I’m only now trying to climb out of the pit I’ve been in. Things were less than great for me for a bit.

I’m still not ready to tell the internet fully about my struggles. Perhaps another time.

I can say that I’ll blog more often but I can’t guarantee that. I can, however, be found on Twitter nearly every day. It’s not a healthy way to spend my time, but when has that ever stopped me?

If you really need me, you can find me there.

Hey there!

I still haven’t died.

I’ve been trying to get my mental health together. A daily struggle to be sure.

I’ve been writing some other essays. Some of which I hope to publish one way or another. I’ve also been looking into self publishing some things.

I’m still around. I’m still here if anyone needs me.

Just taking this public thing to the  background for a bit.

Day by Day

It’s been a week, friends.

I don’t think I’ve really been accomplishing the things I’d like to.

Mostly because I’m spending so much of my “free” time being too tired to think. The children have been extra challenging over the past month. Many days, its all I can do to get back home without crying on the interstate. All of us teachers and staff are stress out and frustrated. We really need Spring Break RIGHT NOW.

Sadly, we still have a few weeks to go.

I’m worried, honestly. Not just for my sake. I’m sure that the problem is happening across the country. I’m sure you are aware of the upswing in school related violence since January. The kids are a mess and as a result, we are too.

Something has to give at some point. Wires, much like people, snap when placed under too much strain.

I’ve returned!

Okay, so you may have noticed that I disappeared for a while.

Sorry about that.

I’m doing okay. I didn’t do anything too dangerous. I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else.

I did a little property damage but that’s neither here nor there.

I didn’t intend to be away for as long as I have been. I just felt that I need to take a step back from everything for a while. I needed to regain some sense of what I was doing and where I’m going.

I figured out some things and others are still a mystery. One thing I worked out is that I don’t have to feel like a failure if I don’t post something here every day. Blogging daily for over a year developed into quite a habit. I obsessed about it from time to time. I wanted to create quality content but it just wasn’t meant to be on a daily basis. Therefore, I’ve decided to post less often. A few times a week will do for the time being. I haven’t hammered down a schedule, but when I do, I’ll let you know.

TL:DR: I’m fine. Took a break but I’m back. Thanks and love you!

Day 413: Not ok

I think I’ve reached a new limit. The point at which i feel like I’m going to crack up. The point at which i feel like my chest will explode if I don’t do something. The point when nothing I’ve tried before works. The point where I know i shouldn’t be.

It’s scary.

But I, obviously, can’t do anything about it.

can’t wait.can’t stop.gotta keep moving.things need to get done.noone else is gonna bother.

No one else cares.

So, why can’t I?