All posts by queenofthenightshade

Day 349: Lay Down your Burdens

I’ll be the first to admit, I have trouble with Christianity.

There are a lot of so-called Christians that have turned me off towards organized religion.

“You need to go to church.”

“You need to pay your tithes.”

“You can’t dress like that here.”

“You can’t bring that heathen in here with you.”

Their nasty behavior and judgmental attitudes are disgusting and I don’t have the energy for such treatment.

Despite being raised in the Baptist church, I don’t really identify with any religion. I’ve gotten the most out of Buddhist teachings in my adult life, but I’m not strictly aligned with them either. I believe that life is full of suffering and that people can’t escape it. A mindset change is the way to get through your life.

I don’t think the Divine needs all the pomp and circumstance. It’s there. I know it is. It knows I’m here. I respect it. We have an understanding. It doesn’t take any grand ceremony to marvel at the Universe’s handiwork. From microcosms to galaxies, it’s there if you care to look and be amazed.

But I digress…

Over the past several days, things have been less than great for me. I’ve been really down and extra stressed. I know finals week had a lot to do with it, but still. My prayer has been for the strength to get through the end of the year with a peaceful mind.

Heaven knows, it has been less than calm lately.

I’m not typically a praying person, but I talked to the Universe for a bit last night. I cried and vented and asked for grace. It felt good to let go of some of the feelings I was keeping bottled up. Honestly, I felt a little lighter when I finished.

Today, I had a pretty good day of work. Things didn’t feel as rushed or as hectic as they had been. I can’t say I’m not grateful. Small victories are still victories.

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Day 346: Nearly there

I have one more paper to write and I’ll be all done with the fall semester.

I have no desire to do this and its due at midnight. A minimum five page research paper, which should be no problem for me to do. I just don’t want to. I’m tired.

It’s just an elective class anyway. If it was for my major, I would care more. Hell, it would probably already be done.

Call it senioritis if you want. I could not do this paper at all and still manage a 73% in the class.

C’s get degrees, as they say…

Day 343: Doing the Most

I have been thinking about my productivity quite a bit. I feel like I should be doing more.

My students should be learning more.

I should be working harder in school.

My house should be cleaner.

My family could be happier.

At the same time, I know I’m doing all I can right now. I feel like I have two jobs on permanent rotation. One I get paid for and one I don’t. Working in special education drains you in a way that I believe no one could prepare you for. Although, when I need a break from my work kids, I can take it if I really need to.

Once I clock out in the afternoon, I have to get my mind ready for my second shift. My family needs me to have my senses about me. I can’t get a sick day from them. I can’t claim that I need a mental health day.

Even though I so desperately need it at times.

Being in college is still a trip. Deadlines are deadlines and things need to get done. I can’t half-ass anything either. You will get called out on it. It can be overwhelming, even if you don’t have other obligations to deal with.

It never feels like enough. I run myself ragged and it isn’t enough.

No wonder people flip out and go on shooting sprees. People are tired, weary in spirit, and have no real outlet.

Myself included.

Am I going to flip out and have a serious episode? Probably not. I have a son to get through college.

Sometimes, though.

Just sometimes….

It can be fun to think about.

Day 341: Shaking tables

I was trying to work on some assignments this morning but it was more difficult than normal. I couldn’t focus. My thoughts wouldn’t solidify. I could barely form coherent sentences. Plus, I couldn’t stop shaking my left leg. I mean, rapid fire bouncing.

I know this is just an anxiety thing. I know I should just push through my feeling and take care of business, but things aren’t going well. I’ve been trying to stick with it, but I think I’m gonna give up and just submit what I’ve got done.

I don’t like feeling like this. The sensation of looming doom is terrible. I want to run away but the monster is in my head. I don’t know what to do.