I knew it was a bad idea to spend any time online today. I knew it.
It didn’t help. I knew it wouldn’t.
But because I’m a glutton for misery, I decided to scroll through Facebook and Twitter for a while…
Like an idiot.
And now I feel like a worthless shit pile again.
I think I’ve reached a new limit. The point at which i feel like I’m going to crack up. The point at which i feel like my chest will explode if I don’t do something. The point when nothing I’ve tried before works. The point where I know i shouldn’t be.
But I, obviously, can’t do anything about it.
can’t wait.can’t stop.gotta keep moving.things need to get done.noone else is gonna bother.
No one else cares.
So, why can’t I?
Today was better than all of last week. If anyone spared any prayers for me, I thank you.
I just got in because Mondays are one of my busy days. I just want to hit the sack.
So I am.
I have to go back to work tomorrow.
Hopefully, it won’t be too tragic.
Today was better.
I made some food. Worked on a project. Watched some Olympics..
Better than yesterday
I’m in a bad place right now.
Real bad. Like, you wouldn’t believe how bad.
People ask me what’s wrong. I can’t answer. It feels like everything is wrong.
And in a way, it is. I think.
I only have the way I feel to judge by.
And everything feels bad and sad and wrong.
I don’t want to die. I have things to do.
but I wouldn’t object to a medically induced coma. That sounds nice.
You know how I’m always saying that pent up emotions will kill you? How I encourage you guys to get things off your chest? How I know without question that unexpressed feelings are killing more of us than medical science can explain?
Ever wonder how I am so sure about that?
Ever want to scream and cry and lie around all day?
Life has started coming at me a bit too quickly for my liking. Things are happening faster than I can process them. My emotions can’t keep up. I’m worried about burning out faster than expected. Not that I really expect to burn out…
Actually, yes I did. I did expect to wear myself down. I can tell it’s happening a bit faster with each passing day. I need to be strong right now. I don’t have time for an episode right now. People need me to al least appear that I have my shit together.
I just don’t know how long I can do this….