Day 284: Forced Perspective

Today I woke up with an odd feeling. Something like disconnectedness.

I don’t think that’s really a word, but I’m going with it.

I could tell my depression wanted to act up today. A person shouldn’t wake up and immediately want to cry. That’s never okay.

There are things in my life that make me want to cry and be a sad sack all day. Many things that are very easy to dwell on. I could list them, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll list the good things I have going right now.

  • I’ve been named a contributor for Unabashed Magazine. Launch date is set around October 10th.
  • I’m working on a review of some things from jko Cosmetics. Be on the lookout for it soon.
  • My first round of classes for the Fall semester is over and I did well.
  • I’ve found a new company to get my teas. Ivy’s Tea Co. is awesome. I might write a review about them too, but I haven’t decided.
  • I’ve been able to go out a little bit more.
  • My son has finally decided to start reading Harry Potter and I can’t wait to share this fandom with him

I think that’s it for now. Typing it out does make one feel a little better about their lives and it’s always a good idea to honestly check in with yourself sometimes. Don’t always dwell on the bad things. It’s unhealthy.

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Day 281: Daydreams

Depression sucks.

It has this thing it likes to do. When I mentally have my guard down for a bit, it imagines worst-case scenarios for my family and I. I could be driving along and suddenly…

“What if you husband gets hurt in a car wreck? What if he doesn’t come home?”

or

“What if you get sick? Cancer runs in the family. What will become of you?

And for unknown reasons, my imagination will allow this to play out in my head. Over and over again until I’m miserable. I can fight it off some days, but not all of them.

It’s scary that my brain can manage that kind of sadism. Self-inflicted sadism at that.

I’m sick.

Day 278: Academia

I’m good at school. I’ve always been an amazing student and have become a wonderful educator.

I just wrote a beautiful paper for my collective behavior class. It felt really good to put together and I sounded like I knew exactly what I was talking about. Stats, quotes, personal opinions, the whole nine. It’s beautiful.

If this doesn’t get me an A in this class, I’ll know something.

Forgive the arrogance, but I needed to toot my own horn. I rarely do and I’m working on that. I’m smart and can express myself well. My portfolio will be a thing to behold.

Toot Toot, bitches!

Day 277: Drop it Low

I recently discovered that I really like to dance. Like, a lot.

I’ve been dancing on my own forever. Whenever I hear the right song or a good beat, I can’t help myself. However, I don’t go out and dance very often. I’ve been afraid of being laughed at and judged.

You may not have noticed, but I’m a fat girl. Have been for years.

I’ve got quite a bit of extra jiggle when I move my body. Most people can’t handle seeing it. It’s taken years for me to handle feeling it.

People can be quite rude to fat girls. We can do anything without ridicule.

Want to be a fashionista? Not without a healthy budget and very hard to find options that are fashionable.

Okay then. I’ll try to work out? Nope. You’ll get made the butt of jokes around the gym. You won’t want to step foot in the place again.

I want a fun and varied choice of sexual partners. Sorry. Sexism, slut shaming, and fatophobia are all working against you here.

It’s ridiculous.

Can a big girl just grind on some folks in the club without getting nasty side-eye from literally everyone?

Damn. Can I live?

Day 275: Through the looking glass

I see you, white lady.

I’m not looking right at you but I can see you.

Are you amused by my husband and I having dinner?

Is it a problem that out skin tones don’t match?

or do you like the way i eat this pasta?

The way i add extra red red pepper to the “Cajun” noodles?

Its the way my husband eats his boneless chicken, isn’t it?

Something has to be very amusing for you to be so…

Invested in our meal and our conversation.

You were certainly watching our mouths like you didn’t have a plate of your own in front of you.

It’s lucky for you that i don’t have that particular anxiety.

I could eat on stage if i needed to.

The point is…

I see you, white lady.

I see you.