One may recall a few days ago that I talked about slowing down and being good to yourself. Today, I can say that I need to get better about taking my own advice.
I hit a low point yesterday. Very low. The emotional stress of my life situation was already at my limit and life saw fit to throw one more thing to the pile. Something small that, on its own, wouldn’t have crushed me like it did. Unfortunately, this was the worst possible time to add more weight to my pile.
I was a wreck, weepy and angry all night. I slept a little but it was riddled with nightmares. The sun rose and I was upset about it. My husband got up for work and I wanted to cry more. My son got up for breakfast and I sent him back to his room.
I’m not in a good place. I haven’t really been in a good place for some time now. Seems like a familiar statement if you read my blog regularly, I know. Depression takes your negative feelings and experiences and amplifies them. The illness uses them to justify all the horrible messages that it throws at you constantly. Ultimately, negative thoughts become self fulfilling prophecy. I’m bad therefore bad things keep happening to me and vice versa. The cycle is exhausting.
I know I preach self care, but it’s becoming difficult to find anything that still works for me. The practice is effective and I do still believe it can help but I’m out of strategies that I can use. Hiding from the world isn’t an option right now. Things need to be taken care of and I’m the only person that can do them. Taking a walk has become a chore because of the oppressive humidity. Gardening falls into the same category. Funny movies aren’t working anymore. I play video games to pass the time, but there isn’t any real enjoyment there right now.
All of those are textbook depression symptoms. Knowing that doesn’t ease my mind at all. If anything, knowing makes it worse sometimes. I can’t always tell if the things I’m feeling are genuine or a product of how I know the disease works. Back to that self fulfilling prophecy I was talking about earlier.
I felt good today. That was probably my first mistake.
Church was nice. I had a little hope in my heart. The sun is shining and the weather is gorgeous.
Then I get home and go to my desk only to discover that the cat has shit on my laptop.
This time it was closed at least, but that didn’t stop him from shitting on top of and next to my computer. There was even shit on top of my USB ports and hubs. Clean up was very tricky.
You can imagine my anger right now. The frustration. The absolute, “I will kick you across the street” type of rage boiling inside me at this moment. It’s fortunate that I decided to write instead of releasing some of my fury.
This isn’t even MY cat. It’s my sister-in-law’s. Plus, this isn’t the first time the cat has shit of my computer. This animal continues to disrespect my house and I’m sick of it. My desk reeks of cat waste and I’m fed up.
Maybe I should take a walk to relax. It is nice out. I gotta do something before I flip out around here.