This time last year, I was happy and in love. I wrote a sappy post for the man I loved and was glad to share with the world. Yesterday, I felt amazing. I was all set to put another sappy post into the universe. For the first time in ages, I felt as if I was doing something good for my life. It seemed like things were going to be okay and I was moving in the right direction.
Today is a different story.
Maybe it’s because I had a weird dream about my dead grandfather.
Maybe it was because I didn’t get my extra walking in today.
Maybe it was because my stress level peaked again this afternoon.
Maybe because today is my anniversary and my personal life is a lowkey shambles.
Maybe because I blew my calorie budget in an attempt to make myself feel better and the food was mediocre at best.
Maybe it was because I’m not allowed to be in a decent mood for any significant amount of time.
Either way, right now I’m feeling terrible about myself. About my life. About my future. My depression has returned with a vengeance. I hate when this happens. It’s as if I dared to imagine my life without this heaviness on my heart. It’s like I offended my illness and Its angry. Its being needlessly relentless today.
No, depression. I didn’t forget about you. I would love to but I can’t. You don’t give me a chance to. You don’t leave me alone for long enough for me to escape you long term. You know that, don’t you?
I was at a protest this weekend. There was a really good energy from the crown, but the police presence was very intimidating. It felt as if they wanted a fight, they were itching to get something started.
Wolf and I didn’t stay as long as I’d hoped because he was fed up with the bad vibes coming from the cops. I complained about it but his instincts were very accurate. While leaving the area, we saw waves of officers suiting up in riot gear. Many more than what could be considered necessary. There was also a police helicopter flying around, watching the entire situation. It really looked as if they weren’t planning on letting anyone leave the protest easily. They’ve become known for kettling people whether they were breaking the law or not. I’ve never seen more police in my life and it was terrifying.
I will probably go to another protest, but when the cops start getting antsy…
One may recall a few days ago that I talked about slowing down and being good to yourself. Today, I can say that I need to get better about taking my own advice.
I hit a low point yesterday. Very low. The emotional stress of my life situation was already at my limit and life saw fit to throw one more thing to the pile. Something small that, on its own, wouldn’t have crushed me like it did. Unfortunately, this was the worst possible time to add more weight to my pile.
I was a wreck, weepy and angry all night. I slept a little but it was riddled with nightmares. The sun rose and I was upset about it. My husband got up for work and I wanted to cry more. My son got up for breakfast and I sent him back to his room.
I’m not in a good place. I haven’t really been in a good place for some time now. Seems like a familiar statement if you read my blog regularly, I know. Depression takes your negative feelings and experiences and amplifies them. The illness uses them to justify all the horrible messages that it throws at you constantly. Ultimately, negative thoughts become self fulfilling prophecy. I’m bad therefore bad things keep happening to me and vice versa. The cycle is exhausting.
I know I preach self care, but it’s becoming difficult to find anything that still works for me. The practice is effective and I do still believe it can help but I’m out of strategies that I can use. Hiding from the world isn’t an option right now. Things need to be taken care of and I’m the only person that can do them. Taking a walk has become a chore because of the oppressive humidity. Gardening falls into the same category. Funny movies aren’t working anymore. I play video games to pass the time, but there isn’t any real enjoyment there right now.
All of those are textbook depression symptoms. Knowing that doesn’t ease my mind at all. If anything, knowing makes it worse sometimes. I can’t always tell if the things I’m feeling are genuine or a product of how I know the disease works. Back to that self fulfilling prophecy I was talking about earlier.
I felt good today. That was probably my first mistake.
Church was nice. I had a little hope in my heart. The sun is shining and the weather is gorgeous.
Then I get home and go to my desk only to discover that the cat has shit on my laptop.
This time it was closed at least, but that didn’t stop him from shitting on top of and next to my computer. There was even shit on top of my USB ports and hubs. Clean up was very tricky.
You can imagine my anger right now. The frustration. The absolute, “I will kick you across the street” type of rage boiling inside me at this moment. It’s fortunate that I decided to write instead of releasing some of my fury.
This isn’t even MY cat. It’s my sister-in-law’s. Plus, this isn’t the first time the cat has shit of my computer. This animal continues to disrespect my house and I’m sick of it. My desk reeks of cat waste and I’m fed up.
Maybe I should take a walk to relax. It is nice out. I gotta do something before I flip out around here.