I knew it was a bad idea to spend any time online today. I knew it.
It didn’t help. I knew it wouldn’t.
But because I’m a glutton for misery, I decided to scroll through Facebook and Twitter for a while…
Like an idiot.
And now I feel like a worthless shit pile again.
I think I’ve reached a new limit. The point at which i feel like I’m going to crack up. The point at which i feel like my chest will explode if I don’t do something. The point when nothing I’ve tried before works. The point where I know i shouldn’t be.
But I, obviously, can’t do anything about it.
can’t wait.can’t stop.gotta keep moving.things need to get done.noone else is gonna bother.
No one else cares.
So, why can’t I?
I feel as if my world likes to shift its axis every so often.
Just when I think, for half a moment, that everything is okay or things will be fine.
Next thing I know, I’m scrambling for answers again.
That what my optimism has gotten me.
Depression is a weird thing. It manifests in so many ways. There’s the common symptoms: Lack of energy, lack of intrest, lethargy, lack of focus. There’s also some folks that throw themselves into something in an attempt to avoid their feelings.
“I don’t have time to stay in bed, I have a deadline.”
“I can’t eat. I have more important things to do.”
“I forgot to do something important. I have to push myself harder next time.”
These folks don’t seem outwardly depressed. In fact, they seem like very productive and together people. If you look closley, these same folks are trying to bury somehing that could ultmately kill them. They tend to burn out fast and their crash is worse because of the overwork.
Just because people seem on top of things on the outside, that isn’t always the case.
Today felt amazing. There was some negativity brewing on the horizon at work, but it didn’t ruin my whole day. Today, I managed to
- Take a walk before work
- Leave work early for a meeting
- Forget said meeting was cancelled and earn a free afternoon
- Work out for over an hour at the gym
- Come home and cook a healthy dinner that my son actually ate.
- Totally smash my step goal for today
For now, I feel great. Things aren’t perfect. There are things that I could let bother me right now. Instead, I’ve decided to ride this wave of Joy for as long as I can.
I hope everyone can find something positive to cling to in their days.!
This spring, my son will graduate middle school. This summer, I’ll earn a B.A. in sociology.
I’m not nearly as excited as I should be. Both events are huge milestones for us, but I have little idea where to go from here. My son is going to high school, of course. He’s still got time to figure some things out. I, however, need a plan much sooner.
I should do grad school, but it’s very daunting. I’m already intimidated by horror stories from other grad students. Most of those people don’t have as many attachments as I do. No kids, no husbands, not much in the way of full time employment either. They truly have time to devote to grad school. Things aren’t so black and white for me.
I’ve already complained about how nervous I am about my future. I’m not sure where I’m going or what I need to be doing. I’m not even sure about what I love to do. People say that you should figure that out and go from there. Thinking about it makes me feel more lost and confused.
I’m into social justice. I love learning about people and social inequalities. That’s real interesting to me, hence the sociology degree. The sad part is that I need at least a master’s degree to be taken seriously in those fields. My dinky little bachelor’s isn’t good for anything. It’s as if college has been a colossal waste of time…
I’m getting angrier thinking about it. I don’t have another plan other than education. I don’t have another path out of poverty. Working hard isn’t gonna cut it. That’s a joke in this country. I shouldn’t be thinking that my only escape route is useless and that I’ve wasted the better part of the last fifteen or sixteen years.
For the moment, I’m going to ignore those negative thoughts. For right now, I’m going to try and be proud of my accomplishments. I’ll have a bachelor’s degree by the end of the summer. That’s more than a lot of people have managed. I’ll work up to some excitement by then, I’m sure.
It’s roughly 1:40pm.
I’m awake but still in bed.
I haven’t seen my meds in two days. I thought about this around 7 this morning.
Haven’t eaten. Don’t really want to either.
I know these are all bad signs. I’m not motivated to do anything about them either.
I might look for my medicine later, if I decide to go farther than the bathroom today.
I might and I should.
It snowed for a bit this morning and most of it melted by sundown. We are well on our way to Grey and Muddy.
I also made some pies, potato salad, and got the Christmas Turkey in the brine. In the process, I managed to squash my thumb. There’s a nice bruise blooming under my thumbnail. It hurts pretty good, but I’m glad to be rid of the medication/flu stupor of the past five days.
I still am not feeling festive, despite it being Christmas Eve Eve. I never do and I didn’t expect it to change this year. It feels like just another Saturday. I have noticed that more people aren’t really feeling the holidays this year. 2017 must have been a really hard year for more people than I thought.
It’s December 21st. Hanukkah just wrapped up. Yule is upon us. Christmas, Kwanzaa, and New Year’s are right around the corner. It’s the middle of Winter, although calendars try to convince us that it just started. It’s time to turn a corner. To reflect on where we’ve been and focus on where we’re going. We have survived until the Solstice.
Good for us!
If you celebrate any of those holidays, I hope you have a good one. Alternately, for those of us that can’t stand such festive times, It’s almost over. The January doldrums will be upon people before we know it.
I have been thinking about my productivity quite a bit. I feel like I should be doing more.
My students should be learning more.
I should be working harder in school.
My house should be cleaner.
My family could be happier.
At the same time, I know I’m doing all I can right now. I feel like I have two jobs on permanent rotation. One I get paid for and one I don’t. Working in special education drains you in a way that I believe no one could prepare you for. Although, when I need a break from my work kids, I can take it if I really need to.
Once I clock out in the afternoon, I have to get my mind ready for my second shift. My family needs me to have my senses about me. I can’t get a sick day from them. I can’t claim that I need a mental health day.
Even though I so desperately need it at times.
Being in college is still a trip. Deadlines are deadlines and things need to get done. I can’t half-ass anything either. You will get called out on it. It can be overwhelming, even if you don’t have other obligations to deal with.
It never feels like enough. I run myself ragged and it isn’t enough.
No wonder people flip out and go on shooting sprees. People are tired, weary in spirit, and have no real outlet.
Am I going to flip out and have a serious episode? Probably not. I have a son to get through college.
It can be fun to think about.