I still haven’t died.
I’ve been trying to get my mental health together. A daily struggle to be sure.
I’ve been writing some other essays. Some of which I hope to publish one way or another. I’ve also been looking into self publishing some things.
I’m still around. I’m still here if anyone needs me.
Just taking this public thing to the background for a bit.
Okay, so you may have noticed that I disappeared for a while.
Sorry about that.
I’m doing okay. I didn’t do anything too dangerous. I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else.
I did a little property damage but that’s neither here nor there.
I didn’t intend to be away for as long as I have been. I just felt that I need to take a step back from everything for a while. I needed to regain some sense of what I was doing and where I’m going.
I figured out some things and others are still a mystery. One thing I worked out is that I don’t have to feel like a failure if I don’t post something here every day. Blogging daily for over a year developed into quite a habit. I obsessed about it from time to time. I wanted to create quality content but it just wasn’t meant to be on a daily basis. Therefore, I’ve decided to post less often. A few times a week will do for the time being. I haven’t hammered down a schedule, but when I do, I’ll let you know.
TL:DR: I’m fine. Took a break but I’m back. Thanks and love you!
I knew it was a bad idea to spend any time online today. I knew it.
It didn’t help. I knew it wouldn’t.
But because I’m a glutton for misery, I decided to scroll through Facebook and Twitter for a while…
Like an idiot.
And now I feel like a worthless shit pile again.
I think I’ve reached a new limit. The point at which i feel like I’m going to crack up. The point at which i feel like my chest will explode if I don’t do something. The point when nothing I’ve tried before works. The point where I know i shouldn’t be.
But I, obviously, can’t do anything about it.
can’t wait.can’t stop.gotta keep moving.things need to get done.noone else is gonna bother.
No one else cares.
So, why can’t I?
I feel as if my world likes to shift its axis every so often.
Just when I think, for half a moment, that everything is okay or things will be fine.
Next thing I know, I’m scrambling for answers again.
That what my optimism has gotten me.
Depression is a weird thing. It manifests in so many ways. There’s the common symptoms: Lack of energy, lack of intrest, lethargy, lack of focus. There’s also some folks that throw themselves into something in an attempt to avoid their feelings.
“I don’t have time to stay in bed, I have a deadline.”
“I can’t eat. I have more important things to do.”
“I forgot to do something important. I have to push myself harder next time.”
These folks don’t seem outwardly depressed. In fact, they seem like very productive and together people. If you look closley, these same folks are trying to bury somehing that could ultmately kill them. They tend to burn out fast and their crash is worse because of the overwork.
Just because people seem on top of things on the outside, that isn’t always the case.
Today felt amazing. There was some negativity brewing on the horizon at work, but it didn’t ruin my whole day. Today, I managed to
- Take a walk before work
- Leave work early for a meeting
- Forget said meeting was cancelled and earn a free afternoon
- Work out for over an hour at the gym
- Come home and cook a healthy dinner that my son actually ate.
- Totally smash my step goal for today
For now, I feel great. Things aren’t perfect. There are things that I could let bother me right now. Instead, I’ve decided to ride this wave of Joy for as long as I can.
I hope everyone can find something positive to cling to in their days.!
This spring, my son will graduate middle school. This summer, I’ll earn a B.A. in sociology.
I’m not nearly as excited as I should be. Both events are huge milestones for us, but I have little idea where to go from here. My son is going to high school, of course. He’s still got time to figure some things out. I, however, need a plan much sooner.
I should do grad school, but it’s very daunting. I’m already intimidated by horror stories from other grad students. Most of those people don’t have as many attachments as I do. No kids, no husbands, not much in the way of full time employment either. They truly have time to devote to grad school. Things aren’t so black and white for me.
I’ve already complained about how nervous I am about my future. I’m not sure where I’m going or what I need to be doing. I’m not even sure about what I love to do. People say that you should figure that out and go from there. Thinking about it makes me feel more lost and confused.
I’m into social justice. I love learning about people and social inequalities. That’s real interesting to me, hence the sociology degree. The sad part is that I need at least a master’s degree to be taken seriously in those fields. My dinky little bachelor’s isn’t good for anything. It’s as if college has been a colossal waste of time…
I’m getting angrier thinking about it. I don’t have another plan other than education. I don’t have another path out of poverty. Working hard isn’t gonna cut it. That’s a joke in this country. I shouldn’t be thinking that my only escape route is useless and that I’ve wasted the better part of the last fifteen or sixteen years.
For the moment, I’m going to ignore those negative thoughts. For right now, I’m going to try and be proud of my accomplishments. I’ll have a bachelor’s degree by the end of the summer. That’s more than a lot of people have managed. I’ll work up to some excitement by then, I’m sure.
It’s roughly 1:40pm.
I’m awake but still in bed.
I haven’t seen my meds in two days. I thought about this around 7 this morning.
Haven’t eaten. Don’t really want to either.
I know these are all bad signs. I’m not motivated to do anything about them either.
I might look for my medicine later, if I decide to go farther than the bathroom today.
I might and I should.
It snowed for a bit this morning and most of it melted by sundown. We are well on our way to Grey and Muddy.
I also made some pies, potato salad, and got the Christmas Turkey in the brine. In the process, I managed to squash my thumb. There’s a nice bruise blooming under my thumbnail. It hurts pretty good, but I’m glad to be rid of the medication/flu stupor of the past five days.
I still am not feeling festive, despite it being Christmas Eve Eve. I never do and I didn’t expect it to change this year. It feels like just another Saturday. I have noticed that more people aren’t really feeling the holidays this year. 2017 must have been a really hard year for more people than I thought.