Tag Archives: depression

Day 349: Lay Down your Burdens

I’ll be the first to admit, I have trouble with Christianity.

There are a lot of so-called Christians that have turned me off towards organized religion.

“You need to go to church.”

“You need to pay your tithes.”

“You can’t dress like that here.”

“You can’t bring that heathen in here with you.”

Their nasty behavior and judgmental attitudes are disgusting and I don’t have the energy for such treatment.

Despite being raised in the Baptist church, I don’t really identify with any religion. I’ve gotten the most out of Buddhist teachings in my adult life, but I’m not strictly aligned with them either. I believe that life is full of suffering and that people can’t escape it. A mindset change is the way to get through your life.

I don’t think the Divine needs all the pomp and circumstance. It’s there. I know it is. It knows I’m here. I respect it. We have an understanding. It doesn’t take any grand ceremony to marvel at the Universe’s handiwork. From microcosms to galaxies, it’s there if you care to look and be amazed.

But I digress…

Over the past several days, things have been less than great for me. I’ve been really down and extra stressed. I know finals week had a lot to do with it, but still. My prayer has been for the strength to get through the end of the year with a peaceful mind.

Heaven knows, it has been less than calm lately.

I’m not typically a praying person, but I talked to the Universe for a bit last night. I cried and vented and asked for grace. It felt good to let go of some of the feelings I was keeping bottled up. Honestly, I felt a little lighter when I finished.

Today, I had a pretty good day of work. Things didn’t feel as rushed or as hectic as they had been. I can’t say I’m not grateful. Small victories are still victories.

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Day 346: Nearly there

I have one more paper to write and I’ll be all done with the fall semester.

I have no desire to do this and its due at midnight. A minimum five page research paper, which should be no problem for me to do. I just don’t want to. I’m tired.

It’s just an elective class anyway. If it was for my major, I would care more. Hell, it would probably already be done.

Call it senioritis if you want. I could not do this paper at all and still manage a 73% in the class.

C’s get degrees, as they say…

Day 343: Doing the Most

I have been thinking about my productivity quite a bit. I feel like I should be doing more.

My students should be learning more.

I should be working harder in school.

My house should be cleaner.

My family could be happier.

At the same time, I know I’m doing all I can right now. I feel like I have two jobs on permanent rotation. One I get paid for and one I don’t. Working in special education drains you in a way that I believe no one could prepare you for. Although, when I need a break from my work kids, I can take it if I really need to.

Once I clock out in the afternoon, I have to get my mind ready for my second shift. My family needs me to have my senses about me. I can’t get a sick day from them. I can’t claim that I need a mental health day.

Even though I so desperately need it at times.

Being in college is still a trip. Deadlines are deadlines and things need to get done. I can’t half-ass anything either. You will get called out on it. It can be overwhelming, even if you don’t have other obligations to deal with.

It never feels like enough. I run myself ragged and it isn’t enough.

No wonder people flip out and go on shooting sprees. People are tired, weary in spirit, and have no real outlet.

Myself included.

Am I going to flip out and have a serious episode? Probably not. I have a son to get through college.

Sometimes, though.

Just sometimes….

It can be fun to think about.

Day 341: Shaking tables

I was trying to work on some assignments this morning but it was more difficult than normal. I couldn’t focus. My thoughts wouldn’t solidify. I could barely form coherent sentences. Plus, I couldn’t stop shaking my left leg. I mean, rapid fire bouncing.

I know this is just an anxiety thing. I know I should just push through my feeling and take care of business, but things aren’t going well. I’ve been trying to stick with it, but I think I’m gonna give up and just submit what I’ve got done.

I don’t like feeling like this. The sensation of looming doom is terrible. I want to run away but the monster is in my head. I don’t know what to do.

Day 336: Scrooge

Today, I got cornered by a woman who was way into Christmas. We were waiting to checkout at Walmart. She had a cart full of decorations and made sure to tell me how excited she was about the holidays and how her husband already had the lights up and how she did the tree Thanksgiving night. She obviously couldn’t tell how uncomfortable I was even though I kept dropping my bags of Reese’s Pieces.

At some point, she managed to ask if I had my tree up already and I politely explained that I don’t really care for Christmas. The poor thing look appalled and asked if I was “one of those Jewish types” and said that “that other thing they do with the candles looks fun.”

I was past politeness at this point. I told her that I’m not Jewish, although Hanukkah does seem lovely and that my crippling depression makes most days, including holidays, suck balls.

I was kinda funny how flustered she got. I switched lines and paid for my candy in peace.

The nerve of some people.

Day 329: Late-Nighter

I need to write more.

I’ve read about other writers that have set writing times each day. Some specific amount of time each day to put words on the page. I feel like this would work out well for me.

The only issue is finding the time. I already get up pretty early for work. Then, I’m off educating young minds for a good portion of the day. After that, I have to figure out food for the family and do some studying. If I manage to stay awake for that, I could get some writing done, but it’s hard to be inspired when you can barely function.

I used to get a lot of creative writing done late at night. I would stay up and hammer out all kinds of stories. A lot of it was fanfic, but I was still writing. Almost all of my multi-chapter stories were written, edited, or published after midnight. My ideas tend to flow better around 2 a.m.

This was back before I had to be coherent before 6 a.m. every day. When staying awake didn’t have any repercussions. Things are much different now.

I think my brain is slowly making adjustments. I’ve been taken with several little ideas during working hours. My fairy tale story is piecing itself together slowly. I can tell you that it will either include a princess or several elemental creatures. They won’t leave me alone.

I can’t always stop what I’m doing to write it down and some of my thoughts escape later recall. That’s the real tragedy here.

Also, when I’m too sad to think, writing is out of the question. I can’t barely stop hating myself to carry out basic life functions. You can forget anything creative. Waste of time. The winter/holiday season is usually hard on me. I get stuck in some real, unpleasant feelings. I can’t write and I feel bad about not writing which makes me not write more and that makes me feel worse.

And so on and so on and so on…

Day 324: Crunch Time

Thanksgiving is a week away. It’s officially the holiday season. The end of semester crunch is in full swing and I haven’t had more than four consecutive hours of sleep in about a week.

Typical.

I have a hard time with the holidays anyway. I don’t exactly have fond memories of family gatherings. I see my family all the time anyway so there’s no real sentimentality there. Plus, there is almost always a major family argument at every holiday gathering.

There’s a lot of prep work involved. Cleaning, cooking, and hosting are three things that I typically want nothing to do with but am saddled with. Everyone wants a plate, but no one wants to cook and suddenly disappears when it’s time to clean the kitchen.

If I could just have small celebrations with my little family, that would be enough for me. My husband knows I don’t holidays and would stand by me if I decided to opt out.  My son is old enough to have his own social anxieties and prefers avoiding the crowd that would be gathered at my parent’s house anyway.

Sadly, I am the responsible, first-born and I can’t get out of this. I would have to be in the hospital or in prison to avoid it. Hell, I’m sure my mother could find some work for me to do from the hospital. Facebook invites need to be sent, you know.

Day 323: Sleep Trouble

I’ve been having disturbing dreams again.

It’s totally a stress thing, I’m sure. Nevertheless, its bothersome.

The bad part is that some of the dreams aren’t really unpleasant. They would be lovely under the correct circumstances, but I’m not a normal girl.

The rest are my typical serial killer type of nightmares. I have those all the time.

I’m weird.

Day 320: You’re Welcome

Self Care Sunday! What are you doing for yourself today?

Today, I watched Moana for the first time. It’s pretty great. Disney animated features had really fallen off for a while. I just couldn’t connect with them.

This movie, however, had me in tears.

I really cared about these people and the death of their island. I empathized with this brown-skinned darling and her plight.

Boy, did I understand the Goddess Te Ka/Te Fiti. Some smooth guy stole her heart and she was raging, tormenting all she could reach. All Life had to go. She wasn’t herself.

Preaching to the choir here, Disney.

I’m probably gonna watch it again. The songs are wonderful and I might go buy the soundtrack on payday.

Go see it if you haven’t. Its on Netflix.

Day 318: Buttoned Lips

I very nearly lost my shit on a bunch of kids at work today. I really wanted to start screaming at them

To be fair, they were asking for it. They were not following directions and giggling in a very obnoxious way. You can only ask someone to be quiet and receive disrespect in return so many times.

I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and avoid having that conversation with my coworkers. I have a reputation of maintaining a certain level of emotional consistency with the kids. I don’t get loud. I don’t sink to their level, I expect them to try to meet me at mine.

I was just out of patience at 2:45 on a Friday afternoon.

You know how people say that your threshold for pain is better when your stress levels are lower? It’s a solid fact in my world. When I’m feeling okay, I’m willing to deal with more of someone’s nonsense. If I’m already carrying a heavy load before I get to you, anything that gets added on becomes a problem.

Lately, there have been lots of problems.

If I didn’t have schoolwork to finish, I’m sure that this evening would have been spent crying alone in my bed. It might still, honestly. Just managing to save face in front of my family is about all I have the energy left for at this point.

Thank Goodness for the weekend.