Something interesting happened at work today.
As you know, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with my life lately. I guess I’ve been doing a bad job of hiding it. Today was really hard for me and my coworkers got worried. They know about most of my struggles right now and respectfully asked me to “not show my face around school for the rest of the week.”
I’ve been very reluctant to take any time off for various reasons. We’re already shorthanded and there are some very involved kids in our class this year. Still, it took the threat of physical violence for me to give in. I could be mad at them, but I’m touched by their concern. They’re the best.
Therefore, I’m taking the rest of the week off.
The second half of my semester started today and judging from the look of these syllabi, these people think I have nothing better to do than kill myself for this degree.
I have a job.
I have a family.
I should sleep every now and then.
Not fair at all.
Staying with my parents has been necessary for the past couple months. It isn’t the most desirable option, but it is the cheapest.
After spending two months under the same roof as my father again. I remember why I stopped visiting so much. He’s the type of guy that thinks that being loudest makes him the most correct. About everything.
It doesn’t matter the topic. He has to be right and will not accept being wrong. Heaven forbid you try to offer correct information or where to find it. He just gets louder and the way my now adult nerves are set up, I have to leave the room before I start cursing back at him.
But that is a challenge at times too. He won’t let you leave until he says what he has to say. You just have to stand there and take it. It’s infuriating.
I like the idea of my father, but he is far from my favorite person.
I want to buy all the things. Especially, Black owned things
All the makeup, even though it’s bad for my skin and I’m horrible at it.
All the clothes, even though they are expensive and I rarely leave the house.
All the trips, even though I’m not the biggest fan of people.
All the foods. even though I’m supposed to be trying to lose weight.
Buying things makes me feel good. Retail therapy is a real, but temporary solution to my emotional problems. It kinds of fills the voids that I have inside. Until it doesn’t anymore.
That happens too. Then things get really bad.
I hate being broke because I like buying things. When I can’t, my depression and anxiety enter a new level of irritating. Checking my bank account has reduced my to tears on many occasions.
Pardon my rambling. I’m trying to work through some things.
Today I woke up with an odd feeling. Something like disconnectedness.
I don’t think that’s really a word, but I’m going with it.
I could tell my depression wanted to act up today. A person shouldn’t wake up and immediately want to cry. That’s never okay.
There are things in my life that make me want to cry and be a sad sack all day. Many things that are very easy to dwell on. I could list them, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll list the good things I have going right now.
- I’ve been named a contributor for Unabashed Magazine. Launch date is set around October 10th.
- I’m working on a review of some things from jko Cosmetics. Be on the lookout for it soon.
- My first round of classes for the Fall semester is over and I did well.
- I’ve found a new company to get my teas. Ivy’s Tea Co. is awesome. I might write a review about them too, but I haven’t decided.
- I’ve been able to go out a little bit more.
- My son has finally decided to start reading Harry Potter and I can’t wait to share this fandom with him
I think that’s it for now. Typing it out does make one feel a little better about their lives and it’s always a good idea to honestly check in with yourself sometimes. Don’t always dwell on the bad things. It’s unhealthy.
I’ve found myself loving every bit of the “CTRL” album. Sza really put together a masterpiece. I connect with each song differently at different times.
Today’s theme is “Broken Clocks“. I relate to this song so much.
Have a listen.
It has this thing it likes to do. When I mentally have my guard down for a bit, it imagines worst-case scenarios for my family and I. I could be driving along and suddenly…
“What if you husband gets hurt in a car wreck? What if he doesn’t come home?”
“What if you get sick? Cancer runs in the family. What will become of you?
And for unknown reasons, my imagination will allow this to play out in my head. Over and over again until I’m miserable. I can fight it off some days, but not all of them.
It’s scary that my brain can manage that kind of sadism. Self-inflicted sadism at that.
I’m having a bad evening. Things feel really bad. I can tell things are about to get rough for me.
I guess it was time for a downturn. The past few days had been going quite well. I was feeling amazing and hopeful about myself and my future.
That ship has sailed once again.
Like, all the time.
I can’t really tell if there is a physical or a mental problem.
Probably some of both, more than likely.
As if I need another thing to keep me up at night.
I got nominated for another blogging award a few days ago, but I’m not up to writing about it yet.
I’m busy cycling between grief, normal depression, and being overwhelmed.