I knew it was a bad idea to spend any time online today. I knew it.
It didn’t help. I knew it wouldn’t.
But because I’m a glutton for misery, I decided to scroll through Facebook and Twitter for a while…
Like an idiot.
And now I feel like a worthless shit pile again.
I think I’ve reached a new limit. The point at which i feel like I’m going to crack up. The point at which i feel like my chest will explode if I don’t do something. The point when nothing I’ve tried before works. The point where I know i shouldn’t be.
But I, obviously, can’t do anything about it.
can’t wait.can’t stop.gotta keep moving.things need to get done.noone else is gonna bother.
No one else cares.
So, why can’t I?
I’m in a bad place right now.
Real bad. Like, you wouldn’t believe how bad.
People ask me what’s wrong. I can’t answer. It feels like everything is wrong.
And in a way, it is. I think.
I only have the way I feel to judge by.
And everything feels bad and sad and wrong.
I don’t want to die. I have things to do.
but I wouldn’t object to a medically induced coma. That sounds nice.
You know how I’m always saying that pent up emotions will kill you? How I encourage you guys to get things off your chest? How I know without question that unexpressed feelings are killing more of us than medical science can explain?
Ever wonder how I am so sure about that?
Life has started coming at me a bit too quickly for my liking. Things are happening faster than I can process them. My emotions can’t keep up. I’m worried about burning out faster than expected. Not that I really expect to burn out…
Actually, yes I did. I did expect to wear myself down. I can tell it’s happening a bit faster with each passing day. I need to be strong right now. I don’t have time for an episode right now. People need me to al least appear that I have my shit together.
I just don’t know how long I can do this….
I’m in a weird spot with my hair.
I want to grow it out and also cut all of it off.
I could take turns and do both, I suppose. My hair does have a nasty amount of breakage and split ends. The only real cure is to cut it off.
But it’s Winter. And it’s cold.
Hair keeps heat in.
I’m not sure what I really want to do.
I feel as if my world likes to shift its axis every so often.
Just when I think, for half a moment, that everything is okay or things will be fine.
Next thing I know, I’m scrambling for answers again.
That what my optimism has gotten me.
Depression is a weird thing. It manifests in so many ways. There’s the common symptoms: Lack of energy, lack of intrest, lethargy, lack of focus. There’s also some folks that throw themselves into something in an attempt to avoid their feelings.
“I don’t have time to stay in bed, I have a deadline.”
“I can’t eat. I have more important things to do.”
“I forgot to do something important. I have to push myself harder next time.”
These folks don’t seem outwardly depressed. In fact, they seem like very productive and together people. If you look closley, these same folks are trying to bury somehing that could ultmately kill them. They tend to burn out fast and their crash is worse because of the overwork.
Just because people seem on top of things on the outside, that isn’t always the case.
I made sure to hit the gym today. Exercise really does improve your mood. I was not a believer, but I’m convinced.
I wonder what about me changed. I used to hate going to the gym. The thought of working out made me cringe. Now, I look forward to my gym days. It’s amazing.
While I was on the treadmill, I even though of training for a 5K. Like, seriously thinking about it. It’s only a little over three miles. Seems doable. I could walk one. There’s no reason to think about running yet.
I’m not ready for that.
Shifts in mindset is so amazing. I think I forgot that.
This time last year, I was happy and in love. I wrote a sappy post for the man I loved and was glad to share with the world. Yesterday, I felt amazing. I was all set to put another sappy post into the universe. For the first time in ages, I felt as if I was doing something good for my life. It seemed like things were going to be okay and I was moving in the right direction.
Today is a different story.
Maybe it’s because I had a weird dream about my dead grandfather.
Maybe it was because I didn’t get my extra walking in today.
Maybe it was because my stress level peaked again this afternoon.
Maybe because today is my anniversary and my personal life is a lowkey shambles.
Maybe because I blew my calorie budget in an attempt to make myself feel better and the food was mediocre at best.
Maybe it was because I’m not allowed to be in a decent mood for any significant amount of time.
Either way, right now I’m feeling terrible about myself. About my life. About my future. My depression has returned with a vengeance. I hate when this happens. It’s as if I dared to imagine my life without this heaviness on my heart. It’s like I offended my illness and Its angry. Its being needlessly relentless today.
No, depression. I didn’t forget about you. I would love to but I can’t. You don’t give me a chance to. You don’t leave me alone for long enough for me to escape you long term. You know that, don’t you?