Tag Archives: depression

Day 224: Search

I’ve spent most of the day looking for a therapist. I’m looking for a black female one, optimally. I’ll settle for a sex positive woman, but I know what I really want.

My search has turned up not much of anything. It’s very disheartening.

If anyone knows of a good therapist (psychologist, psychiatrist, LCSW,) in the Saint Louis area, I’m open to suggestions.

Day 221: Don’t Stop Here

Depression is tiring.

One wouldn’t think that with the general impression of a depressed person being someone who lays around all the time, not doing anything. The fight is internal, hence the “invisible illness” designation.

For example, I don’t want to leave the house most of the time. Going out of my room can be a struggle. There are days that I’ll just stay on or near my bed. taking care of myself is a monumental task that is just too much for me to handle. I won’t eat, won’t drink; just existing and thinking.

That’s what other people see, but in my head there’s a battle going on. I have to convince myself that staying alive is a good idea. I have to convince myself that I deserve happiness and that things are going to be fine. I have to remember that I’m important to others and that I am loved. All the while, my brain is assuring me that I am unworthy; that I’m wretched and incapable of functioning like a normal person. Many days, my brain wins and I’m stuck in the endless sadness cycle.

The same battle is always going on, even on days when I seem okay. The days when I can smile and laugh at my family’s silly jokes. Days where I can go to work without a problem. Days when I seem like an amazing person to be around. My brain is still telling me that I suck and am a waste of space and stardust. I can fight it off, but its difficult.

Medication helps. It gets me out the door many days. Once I’m out, however, I’m on my own. I have to manage my mood in order to be a functional member of society. I can have several good days in a row, but the shadow of a down spell is always looming. At any moment, the pendulum could swing and I’ll be a sad sack again.

I can feel when it happens. Stopping it is impossible and it feels awful.

Being back on a daytime schedule has only reminded me that I have to stay strong. There are people who depend on me to be a force for good in their lives. They need to know that things are going to be okay, one way or another.

So I wake up every day and keep having the fight. Not for my sake, but for theirs. I’m lucky enough to have that in my life.

It’s my reason to keep going.

Day 216: Calm Hues

Yesterday felt really nice.

I spent most of the day away from the internet. My son and I colored while watching Bob Ross reruns in the afternoon.

I needed the time to get out of my own head. Coloring was calming and having Bob Ross’ creative encouragement in the background made it more meaningful for both of us. I don’t color very often, but its a real pleasure. A different way to express the creativity is sometimes necessary.

I used to watch Bob Ross on PBS as a kid. It was always amazing to watch him create beautiful paintings as if it were nothing. On top of that, he always encouraged people to paint along with him. Bob said that one the technique was learned that it was easy. I always wanted to try it. I wanted to create masterpieces, too. I’m not sure why I never did.

Wolf and I binged Drunk History for a while after dinner. It was good to spend some quality time with him. We don’t get much time together when he works most of the day. It sounds dumb to say that I miss someone that I see daily, but this is where I find myself most days.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be mentally peaceful too. It’s the big day.

I’ll be headed back to prepare for a new school year.

Day 215: Cranky Pants

I can always tell that my mental state is getting worse when I start resenting happy people.

I spent a lot of my time om Twitter and Facebook and people are always showing off their joys. Births, weddings, promotions and the like are all over the place. I hate when I become the guy that gets seriously irritated seeing other people’s happiness. I wrote a little rant on Twitter while I was trying to deal with my self. More feelings of inadequacy are not exactly what I need.

How do neurotypicals do it? It seems impossible to have a “normal” duration of emotions. I feel things, positive and negative, longer than others. My bad feelings are amplified by my low self-esteem and depression on top of that.

I’m tired, friends.

Day 212: Down and Out

I have to go back to work on Tuesday.

This is a blessing and a curse. It means that I get to return to some kind of normalcy, a routine if you will. I’ll start getting paid again and seeing my work family will be nice.

At the same time, there will be more fuel for my stress train. I have to go back to pretending to be okay to get through my work day. The kids are also dealing with their own issues and all their collective energies are very draining. Plus, I still have to survive another month without a paycheck. I’m already well behind on bills and finances have been my primary source of bad feelings over the fast ten weeks. This time of year is the worst for me apart from the holidays. Back to school coupled with my son’s birthday means that I need funds. Funds are exactly what I not only don’t have, but have no access to for a while. It’s hard to explain to your kid that we have to celebrate their birthday late because there’s no money for fun.

One would think I could have prepared better. I know about my summer drought every year. I tried to save some to prepare, but my savings ran out much faster than anticipated. My expenses have grown since last year and my budgeting was way off.

I hate asking for help. Hate it. I’m stubborn and have a habit of letting things get as bad as they can. I’m still not comfortable with it but something has to give.

I have a ko-fi link on my homepage and I’ll leave my paypal here too. I also started a patreon. If you would like to donate something, it would be appreciated. Even if you can’t, I understand. I brought this on myself.

Either way, I’m glad I have regular readers. It’s nice to know that I’m not just screaming into the void. I hope you guys are having a great day.