Something interesting happened at work today.
As you know, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with my life lately. I guess I’ve been doing a bad job of hiding it. Today was really hard for me and my coworkers got worried. They know about most of my struggles right now and respectfully asked me to “not show my face around school for the rest of the week.”
I’ve been very reluctant to take any time off for various reasons. We’re already shorthanded and there are some very involved kids in our class this year. Still, it took the threat of physical violence for me to give in. I could be mad at them, but I’m touched by their concern. They’re the best.
Therefore, I’m taking the rest of the week off.
The second half of my semester started today and judging from the look of these syllabi, these people think I have nothing better to do than kill myself for this degree.
I have a job.
I have a family.
I should sleep every now and then.
Not fair at all.
Staying with my parents has been necessary for the past couple months. It isn’t the most desirable option, but it is the cheapest.
After spending two months under the same roof as my father again. I remember why I stopped visiting so much. He’s the type of guy that thinks that being loudest makes him the most correct. About everything.
It doesn’t matter the topic. He has to be right and will not accept being wrong. Heaven forbid you try to offer correct information or where to find it. He just gets louder and the way my now adult nerves are set up, I have to leave the room before I start cursing back at him.
But that is a challenge at times too. He won’t let you leave until he says what he has to say. You just have to stand there and take it. It’s infuriating.
I like the idea of my father, but he is far from my favorite person.
I want to buy all the things. Especially, Black owned things
All the makeup, even though it’s bad for my skin and I’m horrible at it.
All the clothes, even though they are expensive and I rarely leave the house.
All the trips, even though I’m not the biggest fan of people.
All the foods. even though I’m supposed to be trying to lose weight.
Buying things makes me feel good. Retail therapy is a real, but temporary solution to my emotional problems. It kinds of fills the voids that I have inside. Until it doesn’t anymore.
That happens too. Then things get really bad.
I hate being broke because I like buying things. When I can’t, my depression and anxiety enter a new level of irritating. Checking my bank account has reduced my to tears on many occasions.
Pardon my rambling. I’m trying to work through some things.
Higher education us such a scam in this country. Put yourself in severe debt in hopes of getting a great job, but instead you can barely get anything any kind of employment.
Protests are in full swing in my area. Certain parties are asking for peace when what they are really asking for order.
Sorry, kids. Order required justice and justice doesn’t exist in this area.
No justice, no peace.
Plain and simple.
I’m kind of sick of these news outlets and their hurricane coverage. I like to know what’s going on but at the same time, we don’t really need constant coverage of it. The storm is still out there. Its still wreaking havoc. It’s not like a hurricane is going to disappear quickly. Just let us know the situation every couple of hours while the storm is still out at sea and more regularly once it makes landfall.
Disaster porn drives ratings pretty well, I suppose.
I’m not doing well.
Essentially, I think I’m overwhelmed with my life. Work is hard. School is rough, too. My personal life is a shambles.
I want to bury myself until Spring. I want to hibernate. If bears can manage it, so can I.
Trying to remind myself that people exist that have things much more difficult that I do only serves to further remind myself that my feelings are valid and I have a right to them. I can keep repressing myself just because someone else’s life is shittier than mine.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I hate it.
It sucks to have to do it, but I can say that it feels nice to be able to pay your bills again.
Things were becoming dire for my family but we’ve turned a corner. So to speak.
If you would like to help prevent this from happening again, I’ve got a couple of links on the menu bar. Totally optional, and highly appreciated.
Have a great rest of the day!
My dreams have been unsettling again. Most of last night’s have been lost in my memory, but the last one is sticking out.
In the dream, I woke up very late for work. Like, an hour late. I panic and try to text my coworkers to say I overslept and I was coming. Texting was nearly impossible because all the words I typed were unreadable gibberish. I kept trying and it only got worse. Eventually, I got some kind of message sent.
I tried driving and the highways were twisted and broken. Traffic was a nightmare. I couldn’t find my way to work no matter how I tried. At some point, my husband showed up to help me. We wandered around lost until my phone said it was 3:45. Work was over for the day.
At this point, I started waiting. Full on, hands in the air, crying and screaming. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated and that was all I could do. I work up after that.
I’m sure it means something that I don’t want to look up right now. I have dreams about missing work a lot, but I never reacted like that. As I said, it was unsettling. I’m supposed to be on my way to work now, but I had to get my thoughts out. It might calm me down a bit.