Tag Archives: frustration

Day 349: Lay Down your Burdens

I’ll be the first to admit, I have trouble with Christianity.

There are a lot of so-called Christians that have turned me off towards organized religion.

“You need to go to church.”

“You need to pay your tithes.”

“You can’t dress like that here.”

“You can’t bring that heathen in here with you.”

Their nasty behavior and judgmental attitudes are disgusting and I don’t have the energy for such treatment.

Despite being raised in the Baptist church, I don’t really identify with any religion. I’ve gotten the most out of Buddhist teachings in my adult life, but I’m not strictly aligned with them either. I believe that life is full of suffering and that people can’t escape it. A mindset change is the way to get through your life.

I don’t think the Divine needs all the pomp and circumstance. It’s there. I know it is. It knows I’m here. I respect it. We have an understanding. It doesn’t take any grand ceremony to marvel at the Universe’s handiwork. From microcosms to galaxies, it’s there if you care to look and be amazed.

But I digress…

Over the past several days, things have been less than great for me. I’ve been really down and extra stressed. I know finals week had a lot to do with it, but still. My prayer has been for the strength to get through the end of the year with a peaceful mind.

Heaven knows, it has been less than calm lately.

I’m not typically a praying person, but I talked to the Universe for a bit last night. I cried and vented and asked for grace. It felt good to let go of some of the feelings I was keeping bottled up. Honestly, I felt a little lighter when I finished.

Today, I had a pretty good day of work. Things didn’t feel as rushed or as hectic as they had been. I can’t say I’m not grateful. Small victories are still victories.

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Day 341: Shaking tables

I was trying to work on some assignments this morning but it was more difficult than normal. I couldn’t focus. My thoughts wouldn’t solidify. I could barely form coherent sentences. Plus, I couldn’t stop shaking my left leg. I mean, rapid fire bouncing.

I know this is just an anxiety thing. I know I should just push through my feeling and take care of business, but things aren’t going well. I’ve been trying to stick with it, but I think I’m gonna give up and just submit what I’ve got done.

I don’t like feeling like this. The sensation of looming doom is terrible. I want to run away but the monster is in my head. I don’t know what to do.

Day 318: Buttoned Lips

I very nearly lost my shit on a bunch of kids at work today. I really wanted to start screaming at them

To be fair, they were asking for it. They were not following directions and giggling in a very obnoxious way. You can only ask someone to be quiet and receive disrespect in return so many times.

I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and avoid having that conversation with my coworkers. I have a reputation of maintaining a certain level of emotional consistency with the kids. I don’t get loud. I don’t sink to their level, I expect them to try to meet me at mine.

I was just out of patience at 2:45 on a Friday afternoon.

You know how people say that your threshold for pain is better when your stress levels are lower? It’s a solid fact in my world. When I’m feeling okay, I’m willing to deal with more of someone’s nonsense. If I’m already carrying a heavy load before I get to you, anything that gets added on becomes a problem.

Lately, there have been lots of problems.

If I didn’t have schoolwork to finish, I’m sure that this evening would have been spent crying alone in my bed. It might still, honestly. Just managing to save face in front of my family is about all I have the energy left for at this point.

Thank Goodness for the weekend.

Day 313: All Fall Down

I honestly feel like the Universe punishes me for having a good time.

It never seems to fail. Every time that I can honestly say that I’m feeling good or having a good time, The Universe quickly bursts my bubble.

My current example:

My husband and I actually got to spend a couple of days together. He and my best friend have birthdays within days of each other so they had a split celebration last night. It was wonderful and much needed. He got a promotion recently and our schedules don’t really sync anymore. Taking into account our current living situation, we can go days without seeing each other. It’s hard, but we’ve been managing.

Today, however, ruined our peaceful weekend. Someone saw fit to ruin my love’s peace of mind with baseless allegations. He’s crushed and really hurt about the whole situation and the person that is causing the turmoil won’t stop. She insists on being hurtful and it’s killing him.

I can’t tolerate anyone hurting the people I love most in the world. It takes everything in me to let him deal with this alone. All I can do is love him and support him and let him know that.

It pisses me off that I’m so helpless here. My head’s all messed up. I can only hope things will be better tomorrow.

Day 294: Get Out of Here

Something interesting happened at work today.

As you know, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with my life lately. I guess I’ve been doing a bad job of hiding it. Today was really hard for me and my coworkers got worried. They know about most of my struggles right now and respectfully asked me to “not show my face around school for the rest of the week.”

I’ve been very reluctant to take any time off for various reasons. We’re already shorthanded and there are some very involved kids in our class this year. Still, it took the threat of physical violence for me to give in. I could be mad at them, but I’m touched by their concern. They’re the best.

Therefore, I’m taking the rest of the week off.

Day 290: Lower your voice

Staying with my parents has been necessary for the past couple months. It isn’t the most desirable option, but it is the cheapest.

After spending two months under the same roof as my father again. I remember why I stopped visiting so much. He’s the type of guy that thinks that being loudest makes him the most correct. About everything.

It doesn’t matter the topic. He has to be right and will not accept being wrong. Heaven forbid you try to offer correct information or where to find it. He just gets louder and the way my now adult nerves are set up, I have to leave the room before I start cursing back at him.

But that is a challenge at times too. He won’t let you leave until he says what he has to say. You just have to stand there and take it. It’s infuriating.

I like the idea of my father, but he is far from my favorite person.

Day 285: Take my Money

I want to buy all the things. Especially, Black owned things

All the makeup, even though it’s bad for my skin and I’m horrible at it.

All the clothes, even though they are expensive and I rarely leave the house.

All the trips, even though I’m not the biggest fan of people.

All the foods. even though I’m supposed to be trying to lose weight.

Buying things makes me feel good. Retail therapy is a real, but temporary solution to my emotional problems. It kinds of fills the voids that I have inside. Until it doesn’t anymore.

That happens too. Then things get really bad.

I hate being broke because I like buying things. When I can’t, my depression and anxiety enter a new level of irritating. Checking my bank account has reduced my to tears on many occasions.

Sigh…

Pardon my rambling. I’m trying to work through some things.