Tag Archives: frustration

Day 413: Not ok

I think I’ve reached a new limit. The point at which i feel like I’m going to crack up. The point at which i feel like my chest will explode if I don’t do something. The point when nothing I’ve tried before works. The point where I know i shouldn’t be.

It’s scary.

But I, obviously, can’t do anything about it.

can’t wait.can’t stop.gotta keep moving.things need to get done.noone else is gonna bother.

No one else cares.

So, why can’t I?

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Day 409

I’m in a bad place right now.

Real bad. Like, you wouldn’t believe how bad.

Scary bad.

People ask me what’s wrong. I can’t answer. It feels like everything is wrong.

And in a way, it is. I think.

I only have the way I feel to judge by.

And everything feels bad and sad and wrong.

I don’t want to die. I have things to do.

but I wouldn’t object to a medically induced coma. That sounds nice.

Day 391: Ebb

Depression is a weird thing. It manifests in so many ways. There’s the common symptoms: Lack of energy, lack of intrest, lethargy, lack of focus. There’s also some folks that throw themselves into something in an attempt to avoid their feelings.

“I don’t have time to stay in bed, I have a deadline.”

“I can’t eat. I have more important things to do.”

“I forgot to do something important. I have to push myself harder next time.”

These folks don’t seem outwardly depressed. In fact, they seem like very productive and together people. If you look closley, these same folks are trying to bury somehing that could ultmately kill them. They tend to burn out fast and their crash is worse because of the overwork.

Just because people seem on top of things on the outside, that isn’t always the case.

Day 388: Relapse

This time last year, I was happy and in love. I wrote a sappy post for the man I loved and was glad to share with the world. Yesterday, I felt amazing. I was all set to put another sappy post into the universe. For the first time in ages, I felt as if I was doing something good for my life. It seemed like things were going to be okay and I was moving in the right direction.

Today is a different story.

Maybe it’s because I had a weird dream about my dead grandfather.

Maybe it was because I didn’t get my extra walking in today.

Maybe it was because my stress level peaked again this afternoon.

Maybe because today is my anniversary and my personal life is a lowkey shambles.

Maybe because I blew my calorie budget in an attempt to make myself feel better and the food was mediocre at best.

Maybe it was because I’m not allowed to be in a decent mood for any significant amount of time.

Either way, right now I’m feeling terrible about myself. About my life. About my future. My depression has returned with a vengeance. I hate when this happens. It’s as if I dared to imagine my life without this heaviness on my heart. It’s like I offended my illness and Its angry. Its being needlessly relentless today.

No, depression. I didn’t forget about you. I would love to but I can’t. You don’t give me a chance to. You don’t leave me alone for long enough for me to escape you long term. You know that, don’t you?

Don’t You?

Day 349: Lay Down your Burdens

I’ll be the first to admit, I have trouble with Christianity.

There are a lot of so-called Christians that have turned me off towards organized religion.

“You need to go to church.”

“You need to pay your tithes.”

“You can’t dress like that here.”

“You can’t bring that heathen in here with you.”

Their nasty behavior and judgmental attitudes are disgusting and I don’t have the energy for such treatment.

Despite being raised in the Baptist church, I don’t really identify with any religion. I’ve gotten the most out of Buddhist teachings in my adult life, but I’m not strictly aligned with them either. I believe that life is full of suffering and that people can’t escape it. A mindset change is the way to get through your life.

I don’t think the Divine needs all the pomp and circumstance. It’s there. I know it is. It knows I’m here. I respect it. We have an understanding. It doesn’t take any grand ceremony to marvel at the Universe’s handiwork. From microcosms to galaxies, it’s there if you care to look and be amazed.

But I digress…

Over the past several days, things have been less than great for me. I’ve been really down and extra stressed. I know finals week had a lot to do with it, but still. My prayer has been for the strength to get through the end of the year with a peaceful mind.

Heaven knows, it has been less than calm lately.

I’m not typically a praying person, but I talked to the Universe for a bit last night. I cried and vented and asked for grace. It felt good to let go of some of the feelings I was keeping bottled up. Honestly, I felt a little lighter when I finished.

Today, I had a pretty good day of work. Things didn’t feel as rushed or as hectic as they had been. I can’t say I’m not grateful. Small victories are still victories.

Day 341: Shaking tables

I was trying to work on some assignments this morning but it was more difficult than normal. I couldn’t focus. My thoughts wouldn’t solidify. I could barely form coherent sentences. Plus, I couldn’t stop shaking my left leg. I mean, rapid fire bouncing.

I know this is just an anxiety thing. I know I should just push through my feeling and take care of business, but things aren’t going well. I’ve been trying to stick with it, but I think I’m gonna give up and just submit what I’ve got done.

I don’t like feeling like this. The sensation of looming doom is terrible. I want to run away but the monster is in my head. I don’t know what to do.

Day 318: Buttoned Lips

I very nearly lost my shit on a bunch of kids at work today. I really wanted to start screaming at them

To be fair, they were asking for it. They were not following directions and giggling in a very obnoxious way. You can only ask someone to be quiet and receive disrespect in return so many times.

I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and avoid having that conversation with my coworkers. I have a reputation of maintaining a certain level of emotional consistency with the kids. I don’t get loud. I don’t sink to their level, I expect them to try to meet me at mine.

I was just out of patience at 2:45 on a Friday afternoon.

You know how people say that your threshold for pain is better when your stress levels are lower? It’s a solid fact in my world. When I’m feeling okay, I’m willing to deal with more of someone’s nonsense. If I’m already carrying a heavy load before I get to you, anything that gets added on becomes a problem.

Lately, there have been lots of problems.

If I didn’t have schoolwork to finish, I’m sure that this evening would have been spent crying alone in my bed. It might still, honestly. Just managing to save face in front of my family is about all I have the energy left for at this point.

Thank Goodness for the weekend.

Day 313: All Fall Down

I honestly feel like the Universe punishes me for having a good time.

It never seems to fail. Every time that I can honestly say that I’m feeling good or having a good time, The Universe quickly bursts my bubble.

My current example:

My husband and I actually got to spend a couple of days together. He and my best friend have birthdays within days of each other so they had a split celebration last night. It was wonderful and much needed. He got a promotion recently and our schedules don’t really sync anymore. Taking into account our current living situation, we can go days without seeing each other. It’s hard, but we’ve been managing.

Today, however, ruined our peaceful weekend. Someone saw fit to ruin my love’s peace of mind with baseless allegations. He’s crushed and really hurt about the whole situation and the person that is causing the turmoil won’t stop. She insists on being hurtful and it’s killing him.

I can’t tolerate anyone hurting the people I love most in the world. It takes everything in me to let him deal with this alone. All I can do is love him and support him and let him know that.

It pisses me off that I’m so helpless here. My head’s all messed up. I can only hope things will be better tomorrow.

Day 294: Get Out of Here

Something interesting happened at work today.

As you know, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with my life lately. I guess I’ve been doing a bad job of hiding it. Today was really hard for me and my coworkers got worried. They know about most of my struggles right now and respectfully asked me to “not show my face around school for the rest of the week.”

I’ve been very reluctant to take any time off for various reasons. We’re already shorthanded and there are some very involved kids in our class this year. Still, it took the threat of physical violence for me to give in. I could be mad at them, but I’m touched by their concern. They’re the best.

Therefore, I’m taking the rest of the week off.