Tag Archives: insomnia

Day 329: Late-Nighter

I need to write more.

I’ve read about other writers that have set writing times each day. Some specific amount of time each day to put words on the page. I feel like this would work out well for me.

The only issue is finding the time. I already get up pretty early for work. Then, I’m off educating young minds for a good portion of the day. After that, I have to figure out food for the family and do some studying. If I manage to stay awake for that, I could get some writing done, but it’s hard to be inspired when you can barely function.

I used to get a lot of creative writing done late at night. I would stay up and hammer out all kinds of stories. A lot of it was fanfic, but I was still writing. Almost all of my multi-chapter stories were written, edited, or published after midnight. My ideas tend to flow better around 2 a.m.

This was back before I had to be coherent before 6 a.m. every day. When staying awake didn’t have any repercussions. Things are much different now.

I think my brain is slowly making adjustments. I’ve been taken with several little ideas during working hours. My fairy tale story is piecing itself together slowly. I can tell you that it will either include a princess or several elemental creatures. They won’t leave me alone.

I can’t always stop what I’m doing to write it down and some of my thoughts escape later recall. That’s the real tragedy here.

Also, when I’m too sad to think, writing is out of the question. I can’t barely stop hating myself to carry out basic life functions. You can forget anything creative. Waste of time. The winter/holiday season is usually hard on me. I get stuck in some real, unpleasant feelings. I can’t write and I feel bad about not writing which makes me not write more and that makes me feel worse.

And so on and so on and so on…

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Day 202: Toss Up

Recently, I’ve spent far too much time watching the sun rise. I don’t have an issue with this most of the time. Sunlight can be helpful in fighting my depression. At the same time,  anxious sleepless nights have become my new normal. I’m almost always awake when daybreak happens and I don’t want to disturb anyone’s rest, so I lie in bed and watch the light break across the windows.

Mornings can be very nice. Running through your morning routine everyday can help a person feel focused and on track. Sadly, I’m not one of those people.

When I have to get up early for work or some other engagement, there are days when I’m too full of anxiety about the upcoming day to rest properly. I’m upset when the alarm goes off. I drag myself to get ready and make my son do the same. We have to be out the door at a certain time, you know.

It’s easy to set yourself on auto pilot when you have other things to think about. Your daily schedule can be an excellent distraction from whatever emotional nonsense the brain might be preparing to unleash. The days when I don’t have the distraction are more interesting to me.

My brain hasn’t settled on a course yet, so my feelings can fluctuate between ready to go and ready to stay in bed. I might have a really good day or a really terrible one. It could honestly go either way. I can feel both in turn, fighting for control. Telling myself that I’m going to be okay only works occasionally. To be honest, I don’t feel as if it’s my decision.  I could be determined to feel one thing and end up in a totally different emotional place. It really just depends. The process can be alarmingly exhausting.

Does any of this sound familiar? Do other people’s depression and anxiety have a battle with them every day? I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Is it any wonder why people seem so frustrated and stressed first thing in the morning? Dealing with yourself can be a daunting daily event. Couple that with the normal stress of living in our society and the dangerous setup for burnout and emotional collapse is set into motion. Is it any wonder why there have so many attacks at schools and workplaces in America? People are stretched thin.

I don’t have an overarching solution. It’s difficult for me to find answers for myself sometimes. The difference between myself and others is that I’m slowly trying to break the cycle. Many people just keep pushing until something gives. Usually meaning that their physical health or personal relationships suffer as a result. I’ve done that too many times in the past and it is no way to live.

Lately, I’ve been trying to pay attention to myself and when I can tell that I’m approaching a breaking point, I want to find a good way to slow down. It’s difficult, but possible. I’m not always successful, but I’m still learning.

We all are..