Tag Archives: inspiration

Day 221: Don’t Stop Here

Depression is tiring.

One wouldn’t think that with the general impression of a depressed person being someone who lays around all the time, not doing anything. The fight is internal, hence the “invisible illness” designation.

For example, I don’t want to leave the house most of the time. Going out of my room can be a struggle. There are days that I’ll just stay on or near my bed. taking care of myself is a monumental task that is just too much for me to handle. I won’t eat, won’t drink; just existing and thinking.

That’s what other people see, but in my head there’s a battle going on. I have to convince myself that staying alive is a good idea. I have to convince myself that I deserve happiness and that things are going to be fine. I have to remember that I’m important to others and that I am loved. All the while, my brain is assuring me that I am unworthy; that I’m wretched and incapable of functioning like a normal person. Many days, my brain wins and I’m stuck in the endless sadness cycle.

The same battle is always going on, even on days when I seem okay. The days when I can smile and laugh at my family’s silly jokes. Days where I can go to work without a problem. Days when I seem like an amazing person to be around. My brain is still telling me that I suck and am a waste of space and stardust. I can fight it off, but its difficult.

Medication helps. It gets me out the door many days. Once I’m out, however, I’m on my own. I have to manage my mood in order to be a functional member of society. I can have several good days in a row, but the shadow of a down spell is always looming. At any moment, the pendulum could swing and I’ll be a sad sack again.

I can feel when it happens. Stopping it is impossible and it feels awful.

Being back on a daytime schedule has only reminded me that I have to stay strong. There are people who depend on me to be a force for good in their lives. They need to know that things are going to be okay, one way or another.

So I wake up every day and keep having the fight. Not for my sake, but for theirs. I’m lucky enough to have that in my life.

It’s my reason to keep going.

Day 218:Happy Wednesday

I spent too much time relaxing this summer. I only say this because my body is having a hard time readjusting to my normal schedule. My body is sore and I’m worn out.

At the same time, I’m excited to get the school year going. I love seeing my friends progress through the year, ,even though the beginning can be rocky. We have to remember how to be at school, you know.

I’ll also do better about posting regularly. This weekend will be dedicated to getting some writing done and that includes blog posts!

Day 216: Calm Hues

Yesterday felt really nice.

I spent most of the day away from the internet. My son and I colored while watching Bob Ross reruns in the afternoon.

I needed the time to get out of my own head. Coloring was calming and having Bob Ross’ creative encouragement in the background made it more meaningful for both of us. I don’t color very often, but its a real pleasure. A different way to express the creativity is sometimes necessary.

I used to watch Bob Ross on PBS as a kid. It was always amazing to watch him create beautiful paintings as if it were nothing. On top of that, he always encouraged people to paint along with him. Bob said that one the technique was learned that it was easy. I always wanted to try it. I wanted to create masterpieces, too. I’m not sure why I never did.

Wolf and I binged Drunk History for a while after dinner. It was good to spend some quality time with him. We don’t get much time together when he works most of the day. It sounds dumb to say that I miss someone that I see daily, but this is where I find myself most days.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be mentally peaceful too. It’s the big day.

I’ll be headed back to prepare for a new school year.

Day 206: Cool it

Heat wave day 3: People have started to lose it. Nobody is in a pleasant mood. At least another four days of 100+ degree temps are expected. Stay hydrated.

Speaking of losing it, don’t be that guy.

You know the one.

The guy who always has to offer their opinion when nobody asked for it.

The guy who dismisses other people’s feelings.

The guy who thinks poor people deserve to be poor.

The guy who turns up their nose at the gay couple across the room.

The guy who believes that their life success is totally merit-based.

The guy who avoids homeless people in the street as if they are contagious.

They guy who thinks racism is over and Black people need to stop talking about it.

Stop it. Think about it.

To be like this in the year of Our Lord, 2017…ugh.

It’s not a good look.

Day 205: Tear-Stained Hearts

Heat wave day 2: Things are nasty. My plants look to be on the verge of death. I wish I could move them into a shadier place. The sun is brutal. Protect yourselves.

In other news, I went to church again yesterday. I’m not claiming to be a very good Christian, or even Christian at all, but I felt like praying there would have more meaning. Sounds silly, but it didn’t hurt to try.

I wasn’t praying for my sake. You may recall an older post about my friend, Brandy, and her pregnancy with twins. Things had be going awesome but she took a bad turn last week. Her cervix began funneling and she was as sick as she could possibly be. Apparently, with single pregnancies, you can just have a surgery to shore up the cervix until the baby is at a more viable age. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case with multiples. The surgery becomes more risky and potentially dangerous for everyone involved as the pregnancy progresses. All she and her wife could do was to wait and pray.

I did the same. I’m not used to speaking with the Christian God. He and I have a very strained relationship that goes back into my childhood. Instead, I prefer to speak with different deities. “Whomever is on duty” is my typical salutation.

Anyway, I sat in church and asked God to give my friend the strength to deal with whatever the Universe was throwing at them. I know that most people would pray that Brandy and the babies would remain safe and healthy. I tried to throw that in there as well, but I’m a realist. I know that sometimes that our Earthly plans and The Universe’s plans don’t line up. It’s shitty but it’s a fact of Life. Keeping that in mind, I asked for strength, guidance and protection for my friends.

Sadly, at around the same time I was doing this, the male twin decided to make his appearance early. Around twenty-one weeks early. The little darling made it only three minutes before passing on. His name was Jeremiah Alan.

As of this morning, his sister is still in place. My friends are destroyed and heartbroken. All of us who know the situation are heartbroken as well. The Universe is a cruel mistress at times and we are all subject to its whims. We all want this little girl to be born healthy and at the proper time. The agony of losing both of them would probably be too much for my friends to handle.

I’ve never had to handle such a loss and I can’t truly imagine the sadness that Brandy and her wife are feeling right now. I’ve read stories about mothers that have lost a child and its really a terrible thing. You see reminders of them everywhere, especially if you’ve been busily preparing your home for their arrival. The sight of other mothers with their babies has even sent some women down a suicidal path. It’s possibly the worst pain a person can endure.

I hate seeing people I care about in pain, but I’m not sure what I can do to help. All I know I can do is continue to be as supportive as I can. They are going to need all the love and friendship I can muster for the foreseeable future.

Day 200: Wow!

Wow! I made it to day 200. That’s awesome.

Today wasn’t even a bad day either. Went out with the family, did some domestic stuff.

I’m honestly thinking about a nap at the moment.

 

Isn’t my blog super interesting, guys? Aren’t you glad you stuck around this long?

Cause I am. It means a lot to me.

Thanks again!

Day 199: Writing Again

Today, for the first time in ages, I wrote some fiction.

I did some really creative writing this morning. It feels great to say that again.

I’ve been meaning to for a while. There was a little voice that was demanding to be heard.

Her name is Marigold. She’s five years old and would not leave me alone.

I don’t know if the rest of the world will ever meet Marigold. She’s creative and spunky and a tomboy. I love her to pieces.

I wish I had some talented artist friends.

Day 192: Dear Lilly

Hey you,

It’s 5:11 AM. You’ve been awake since quarter till 2. Not the first time, won’t be the last. Bear with me anyway

Waking up wasn’t your fault this time but you really need to do better. Sleeping is vital to your well being and it seems like you’ve forgotten how to do it.

I know there’s a lot on your mind and if you were asleep, it wouldn’t be great. Anxiety has been riding you hard lately. Allow me to offer you a bit of advice.

Relax. Stop stressing about things out of your hands.  Things are going to be fine. Your physical health is starting to wear down. Stop worrying about it and take care of it. You’re better than this. You have people than need you. Don’t waste away in your own personal dungeons.

Please. For me?

Love,

Lilly

Day 191: Blank Pages

I’ve wanted to be a writer my whole life.

Sure, I’ve had other career plans; cowboy, pharmacist, archer, etc. but I’ve wanted to write consistently the entire time. I even wanted to major in journalism when I started college.  (Goodness, that feels forever ago now.)

This online thing is nice, but nothing beats pen and paper in my book. Pretty pens and nice stationery get me all excited. I guess the words have more meaning if I write them down. A kind of old magic, I think. Saying things aloud gives words power but writing them down gives them more strength.

I have had lots of journals over the years. Hardcover, softcover, hell even loose leaf. My early writing was mostly random daily thoughts and some poems. I entered one of them in a contest when I was in middle school, I think. It came in second place if I remember correctly.

I’ve tried to keep up with all of them over the years, but Life has a funny way of getting in the way from time to time. For example, there was a blue binder I used to have that was full of my writing from my high school days. There was also a draft of a play I was working on. (Now that I remember it, my idea would have worked better as a novel.) I left it at my mother’s place when I moved out amongst other things. That house has since been destroyed by fire and things that I once thought were invaluable are lost forever.

Time passed and I kept writing. Fanfiction was a way I could work on my craft and get out some of my fangirly feelings. I wrote X-Men and Bleach stories for years. I even wrote a few erotic stories. (Those feelings needed to get out too, you know.)  They’re still online if you want to be bothered to read them, but I don’t think I’ll go back and finish. My heart just isn’t in it anymore. Marvel is trash and Bleach is finished, show’s over.

I have a nasty habit of collecting pretty journals. If one catches my eye, I’m hard pressed to not purchase it. I have lots of them just sitting on shelves in my space. Totally empty. Untouched since I bought them. It bothers me from time to time. I used to have so many stories to tell; so many words that I needed to get out before they escaped me permanently. Now, I’m lucky if I manage to get a hundred words put together every day.  Being surrounded by all these empty pages is kind of like being reminded of my shortcomings. I bought these things with ideas in mind for them; ideas that have faded into the ether of my memories. I have mental illness to thank for that, but I’ve been using that as an excuse for too long.

My goal for myself is to stop being passive with my writing; to stop being lazy and letting my ideas fade away. It doesn’t matter anymore about how poorly organized they are or how depressing they might be. It doesn’t even matter if they never form into a real story. I have to keep flexing my creative muscle or it will die. Its come close a few times already. Losing my ability to use words is something I couldn’t live with.

I’m putting all this into the universe. Stepping out on Faith, as the church ladies say. Writing it down and giving the words the power again. I’m finally ready to do the work. I’m ready to watch doors open in front of me. I’m ready to move forward.