Tag Archives: motivation

Day 236: Split (ends)

The thing I dislike most about my natural hair is how long it takes to work with. The detangling, prewashing, washing, deep conditioning, oiling and styling process that can take the better part of an of day to complete. On top of all that, I may not even like the finished product, but I’ll be damned if I start over. I just won’t be satisfied for a few days.

Can you guess what I did today?

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Day 221: Don’t Stop Here

Depression is tiring.

One wouldn’t think that with the general impression of a depressed person being someone who lays around all the time, not doing anything. The fight is internal, hence the “invisible illness” designation.

For example, I don’t want to leave the house most of the time. Going out of my room can be a struggle. There are days that I’ll just stay on or near my bed. taking care of myself is a monumental task that is just too much for me to handle. I won’t eat, won’t drink; just existing and thinking.

That’s what other people see, but in my head there’s a battle going on. I have to convince myself that staying alive is a good idea. I have to convince myself that I deserve happiness and that things are going to be fine. I have to remember that I’m important to others and that I am loved. All the while, my brain is assuring me that I am unworthy; that I’m wretched and incapable of functioning like a normal person. Many days, my brain wins and I’m stuck in the endless sadness cycle.

The same battle is always going on, even on days when I seem okay. The days when I can smile and laugh at my family’s silly jokes. Days where I can go to work without a problem. Days when I seem like an amazing person to be around. My brain is still telling me that I suck and am a waste of space and stardust. I can fight it off, but its difficult.

Medication helps. It gets me out the door many days. Once I’m out, however, I’m on my own. I have to manage my mood in order to be a functional member of society. I can have several good days in a row, but the shadow of a down spell is always looming. At any moment, the pendulum could swing and I’ll be a sad sack again.

I can feel when it happens. Stopping it is impossible and it feels awful.

Being back on a daytime schedule has only reminded me that I have to stay strong. There are people who depend on me to be a force for good in their lives. They need to know that things are going to be okay, one way or another.

So I wake up every day and keep having the fight. Not for my sake, but for theirs. I’m lucky enough to have that in my life.

It’s my reason to keep going.

Day 218:Happy Wednesday

I spent too much time relaxing this summer. I only say this because my body is having a hard time readjusting to my normal schedule. My body is sore and I’m worn out.

At the same time, I’m excited to get the school year going. I love seeing my friends progress through the year, ,even though the beginning can be rocky. We have to remember how to be at school, you know.

I’ll also do better about posting regularly. This weekend will be dedicated to getting some writing done and that includes blog posts!

Day 216: Calm Hues

Yesterday felt really nice.

I spent most of the day away from the internet. My son and I colored while watching Bob Ross reruns in the afternoon.

I needed the time to get out of my own head. Coloring was calming and having Bob Ross’ creative encouragement in the background made it more meaningful for both of us. I don’t color very often, but its a real pleasure. A different way to express the creativity is sometimes necessary.

I used to watch Bob Ross on PBS as a kid. It was always amazing to watch him create beautiful paintings as if it were nothing. On top of that, he always encouraged people to paint along with him. Bob said that one the technique was learned that it was easy. I always wanted to try it. I wanted to create masterpieces, too. I’m not sure why I never did.

Wolf and I binged Drunk History for a while after dinner. It was good to spend some quality time with him. We don’t get much time together when he works most of the day. It sounds dumb to say that I miss someone that I see daily, but this is where I find myself most days.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be mentally peaceful too. It’s the big day.

I’ll be headed back to prepare for a new school year.

Day 206: Cool it

Heat wave day 3: People have started to lose it. Nobody is in a pleasant mood. At least another four days of 100+ degree temps are expected. Stay hydrated.

Speaking of losing it, don’t be that guy.

You know the one.

The guy who always has to offer their opinion when nobody asked for it.

The guy who dismisses other people’s feelings.

The guy who thinks poor people deserve to be poor.

The guy who turns up their nose at the gay couple across the room.

The guy who believes that their life success is totally merit-based.

The guy who avoids homeless people in the street as if they are contagious.

They guy who thinks racism is over and Black people need to stop talking about it.

Stop it. Think about it.

To be like this in the year of Our Lord, 2017…ugh.

It’s not a good look.

Day 200: Wow!

Wow! I made it to day 200. That’s awesome.

Today wasn’t even a bad day either. Went out with the family, did some domestic stuff.

I’m honestly thinking about a nap at the moment.

 

Isn’t my blog super interesting, guys? Aren’t you glad you stuck around this long?

Cause I am. It means a lot to me.

Thanks again!

Day 199: Writing Again

Today, for the first time in ages, I wrote some fiction.

I did some really creative writing this morning. It feels great to say that again.

I’ve been meaning to for a while. There was a little voice that was demanding to be heard.

Her name is Marigold. She’s five years old and would not leave me alone.

I don’t know if the rest of the world will ever meet Marigold. She’s creative and spunky and a tomboy. I love her to pieces.

I wish I had some talented artist friends.

Day 197: Mystery Blogger Award

mystery-blogger-award

I’ve been nominated for this award by Edin of Pursuit of Natural. Thank you! Go check out her stuff if you haven’t already.

THE MYSTERY BLOGGER AWARD

This is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates, it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging and they do it with so much love and passion.

-Okoto Enigma, creator of the award

The Rules:

·         Put the logo/image on your blog.

·         List the rules.

·         Thank the person who nominated you and link their blog.

·         Mention the creator of the award and link their blog.

·         Tell your reader 3 things about yourself.

·         You have to nominate 10-20 people.

·         Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.

·         Ask your nominees 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question.

·         Share a link to your best post(s)

Three Things About Me:

1. My favorite author is Shel Silverstein.

2. I’m an Aries Sun, Pisces Moon, Aries Rising

3. I’m a sociology major; hoping to graduate next summer.

 

Questions for Me:

1.    On what topic or subject are you most opinionated?  

Social justice, self care, and Autism Awareness.

2.    Name one thing you are doing now that you couldn’t have imagined five years ago

I’m married and that fact blows my mind daily.

3.    If you could glimpse one minute from one point in your future, which would you choose: exactly a year from today, or twenty years from now? Why?

A year from now sound tempting but I’ll go with twenty. I’d like to know what my son is doing with his life.

4.    How are you feeling today?

 I’m doing well, thank you.

5.    What song or kind of music usually puts you in a better mood?

Ninja Sex Party. They are a comedy band that puts out some real jams.

 Questions from Lilly:

  1. What is your favorite movie? Why?
  2. If money was no issue, where would you go on vacation?
  3. Do you have a year-end goal?
  4. Favorite Youtuber?
  5. If you could visit one person in history, who would it be?

Posts you should check out:

  1. I’m not interested in you baby lady
  2. Up the Spout
  3. Do what you can
  4. The Very Blustery Night
  5. The Stranger

Nominees:

This was really fun to do, I’d like these bloggers to play along

  1. Lavender and Levity
  2. The Blackbird Experiment
  3. Black Girl Down

Day 192: Dear Lilly

Hey you,

It’s 5:11 AM. You’ve been awake since quarter till 2. Not the first time, won’t be the last. Bear with me anyway

Waking up wasn’t your fault this time but you really need to do better. Sleeping is vital to your well being and it seems like you’ve forgotten how to do it.

I know there’s a lot on your mind and if you were asleep, it wouldn’t be great. Anxiety has been riding you hard lately. Allow me to offer you a bit of advice.

Relax. Stop stressing about things out of your hands.  Things are going to be fine. Your physical health is starting to wear down. Stop worrying about it and take care of it. You’re better than this. You have people than need you. Don’t waste away in your own personal dungeons.

Please. For me?

Love,

Lilly