I was trying to work on some assignments this morning but it was more difficult than normal. I couldn’t focus. My thoughts wouldn’t solidify. I could barely form coherent sentences. Plus, I couldn’t stop shaking my left leg. I mean, rapid fire bouncing.
I know this is just an anxiety thing. I know I should just push through my feeling and take care of business, but things aren’t going well. I’ve been trying to stick with it, but I think I’m gonna give up and just submit what I’ve got done.
I don’t like feeling like this. The sensation of looming doom is terrible. I want to run away but the monster is in my head. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve read about other writers that have set writing times each day. Some specific amount of time each day to put words on the page. I feel like this would work out well for me.
The only issue is finding the time. I already get up pretty early for work. Then, I’m off educating young minds for a good portion of the day. After that, I have to figure out food for the family and do some studying. If I manage to stay awake for that, I could get some writing done, but it’s hard to be inspired when you can barely function.
I used to get a lot of creative writing done late at night. I would stay up and hammer out all kinds of stories. A lot of it was fanfic, but I was still writing. Almost all of my multi-chapter stories were written, edited, or published after midnight. My ideas tend to flow better around 2 a.m.
This was back before I had to be coherent before 6 a.m. every day. When staying awake didn’t have any repercussions. Things are much different now.
I think my brain is slowly making adjustments. I’ve been taken with several little ideas during working hours. My fairy tale story is piecing itself together slowly. I can tell you that it will either include a princess or several elemental creatures. They won’t leave me alone.
I can’t always stop what I’m doing to write it down and some of my thoughts escape later recall. That’s the real tragedy here.
Also, when I’m too sad to think, writing is out of the question. I can’t barely stop hating myself to carry out basic life functions. You can forget anything creative. Waste of time. The winter/holiday season is usually hard on me. I get stuck in some real, unpleasant feelings. I can’t write and I feel bad about not writing which makes me not write more and that makes me feel worse.
Thanksgiving is a week away. It’s officially the holiday season. The end of semester crunch is in full swing and I haven’t had more than four consecutive hours of sleep in about a week.
I have a hard time with the holidays anyway. I don’t exactly have fond memories of family gatherings. I see my family all the time anyway so there’s no real sentimentality there. Plus, there is almost always a major family argument at every holiday gathering.
There’s a lot of prep work involved. Cleaning, cooking, and hosting are three things that I typically want nothing to do with but am saddled with. Everyone wants a plate, but no one wants to cook and suddenly disappears when it’s time to clean the kitchen.
If I could just have small celebrations with my little family, that would be enough for me. My husband knows I don’t holidays and would stand by me if I decided to opt out. My son is old enough to have his own social anxieties and prefers avoiding the crowd that would be gathered at my parent’s house anyway.
Sadly, I am the responsible, first-born and I can’t get out of this. I would have to be in the hospital or in prison to avoid it. Hell, I’m sure my mother could find some work for me to do from the hospital. Facebook invites need to be sent, you know.
I very nearly lost my shit on a bunch of kids at work today. I really wanted to start screaming at them
To be fair, they were asking for it. They were not following directions and giggling in a very obnoxious way. You can only ask someone to be quiet and receive disrespect in return so many times.
I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and avoid having that conversation with my coworkers. I have a reputation of maintaining a certain level of emotional consistency with the kids. I don’t get loud. I don’t sink to their level, I expect them to try to meet me at mine.
I was just out of patience at 2:45 on a Friday afternoon.
You know how people say that your threshold for pain is better when your stress levels are lower? It’s a solid fact in my world. When I’m feeling okay, I’m willing to deal with more of someone’s nonsense. If I’m already carrying a heavy load before I get to you, anything that gets added on becomes a problem.
Lately, there have been lots of problems.
If I didn’t have schoolwork to finish, I’m sure that this evening would have been spent crying alone in my bed. It might still, honestly. Just managing to save face in front of my family is about all I have the energy left for at this point.
I spent too much time relaxing this summer. I only say this because my body is having a hard time readjusting to my normal schedule. My body is sore and I’m worn out.
At the same time, I’m excited to get the school year going. I love seeing my friends progress through the year, ,even though the beginning can be rocky. We have to remember how to be at school, you know.
I’ll also do better about posting regularly. This weekend will be dedicated to getting some writing done and that includes blog posts!
This is a blessing and a curse. It means that I get to return to some kind of normalcy, a routine if you will. I’ll start getting paid again and seeing my work family will be nice.
At the same time, there will be more fuel for my stress train. I have to go back to pretending to be okay to get through my work day. The kids are also dealing with their own issues and all their collective energies are very draining. Plus, I still have to survive another month without a paycheck. I’m already well behind on bills and finances have been my primary source of bad feelings over the fast ten weeks. This time of year is the worst for me apart from the holidays. Back to school coupled with my son’s birthday means that I need funds. Funds are exactly what I not only don’t have, but have no access to for a while. It’s hard to explain to your kid that we have to celebrate their birthday late because there’s no money for fun.
One would think I could have prepared better. I know about my summer drought every year. I tried to save some to prepare, but my savings ran out much faster than anticipated. My expenses have grown since last year and my budgeting was way off.
I hate asking for help. Hate it. I’m stubborn and have a habit of letting things get as bad as they can. I’m still not comfortable with it but something has to give.
I have a ko-fi link on my homepage and I’ll leave my paypal here too. I also started a patreon. If you would like to donate something, it would be appreciated. Even if you can’t, I understand. I brought this on myself.
Either way, I’m glad I have regular readers. It’s nice to know that I’m not just screaming into the void. I hope you guys are having a great day.