Tag Archives: self care

Day 198: Cracked

One may recall a few days ago that I talked about slowing down and being good to yourself. Today, I can say that I need to get better about taking my own advice.

I hit a low point yesterday. Very low. The emotional stress of my life situation was already at my limit and life saw fit to throw one more thing to the pile. Something small that, on its own, wouldn’t have crushed me like it did. Unfortunately, this was the worst possible time to add more weight to my pile.

I was a wreck, weepy and angry all night. I slept a little but it was riddled with nightmares. The sun rose and I was upset about it. My husband got up for work and I wanted to cry more. My son got up for breakfast and I sent him back to his room.

I’m not in a good place. I haven’t really been in a good place for some time now. Seems like a familiar statement if you read my blog regularly, I know. Depression takes your negative feelings and experiences and amplifies them. The illness uses them to justify all the horrible messages that it throws at you constantly. Ultimately, negative thoughts become self fulfilling prophecy. I’m bad therefore bad things keep happening to me and vice versa. The cycle is exhausting.

I know I preach self care, but it’s becoming difficult to find anything that still works for me. The practice is effective and I do still believe it can help but I’m out of strategies that I can use. Hiding from the world isn’t an option right now. Things need to be taken care of and I’m the only person that can do them. Taking a walk has become a chore because of the oppressive humidity. Gardening falls into the same category. Funny movies aren’t working anymore. I play video games to pass the time, but there isn’t any real enjoyment there right now.

All of those are textbook depression symptoms. Knowing that doesn’t ease my mind at all. If anything, knowing makes it worse sometimes. I can’t always tell if the things I’m feeling are genuine or a product of how I know the disease works. Back to that self fulfilling prophecy I was talking about earlier.

*sigh*

Day 196: Self Care Reminder

Depression is a liar and a joy thief. Everybody knows this. Every day one can shake it’s grip and keep it moving is a blessing.

However, there are days when its whispers become screams and its weight becomes unbearable. You can feel the difference within yourself when this point comes. The body gets heavy. Its harder to get out of bed. Eating feels like a needless chore.

It may come to a point that you just keep pushing through these days. That may feel like a short term solution, but one becomes worn down. Everything is harder. The temper can flare and patience is very thin. One can become quite unpleasant to be around.

Remember: It’s okay to take time for yourself. It’s good for you even. Other may try to make you feel guilty about it but try not to let those voices in. One can care for others much more effectively if one’s own needs are being met.

Day 166: Mess

I’ve had a weird day. I’ve…

-woken up far too early

-flaked out of a potentially important networking event

-passed out.

-woken up with the shakes

-felt terribly guilty for making people worry about me.

I think I’m okay now, just needed to eat. It’s still a bad feeling that I know how to avoid. I failed at taking care of myself again.

Day 153: Trash

I’m awake far too early, I can’t fall asleep again and my head hurts from crying.

I had a bad dream because my mental state is trash. Now, I’m stuck trying to process emotions that I thought I was done with. I wanted to be done with them, but they aren’t done with me, obviously.

I wanted to talk to Wolf about it but he was headed to work. Its bad enough he’ll be gone all day. I hate throwing all my emotional baggage at him again before he goes. He says he doesn’t mind but I know it bothers him, at least a little. I know because we’ve talked about how he worries about me being at home without him before; when things are looking bad for me.

Honestly, I feel like I set myself up for failure this time. There were things on my mind that needed to be addressed and I continued to ignore them. I should have put all that nonsense out of my head. I know better.

Just goes to show that there isn’t ever an escape. You can be as positive as you want during the day, consciously. Night time is a different story. Your guard lowers while you sleep and all manner of nastiness can fly under the radar.

I’m shaken and sad now. I don’t know how the rest of the day will go. Maybe I can get away with hiding today.

 

Day 142: Stop and Breathe

There are a lot of things I’m working on to improve myself. My self esteem is a mess on a good day. Depression is always lurking behind every corner. I could stand to lose a few pounds, etc.

One of the major things that bothers me us my seeming inability to control my stressors. I let things pile on until I have a breakdown. Could be anything; school stress, work stress, general life stress, doesn’t matter. I don’t vent. I allow my problems to continue to weigh me down.

As I said, I know it’s an issue. It gets to the point when I can hardly function without being a wreck. Generally, a bad time for everyone around me. There are a few things that help but my depression works in a wrap around and I have no desire to take care of myself. Vicious.

There is no real point here other than I’m stressed out right now. I’m sure my overall health is being affected. I’ve started having these random stabbing pains in my head. It sucks and I have no idea when they will strike. I’ll be going about my business when I suddenly have to grab my head and moan.  The pain lingers for awhile then goes away, but it always happens again. Hopefully, its just a side effect of my stress and it isn’t a sign of something more serious.