Today I woke up with an odd feeling. Something like disconnectedness.
I don’t think that’s really a word, but I’m going with it.
I could tell my depression wanted to act up today. A person shouldn’t wake up and immediately want to cry. That’s never okay.
There are things in my life that make me want to cry and be a sad sack all day. Many things that are very easy to dwell on. I could list them, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll list the good things I have going right now.
- I’ve been named a contributor for Unabashed Magazine. Launch date is set around October 10th.
- I’m working on a review of some things from jko Cosmetics. Be on the lookout for it soon.
- My first round of classes for the Fall semester is over and I did well.
- I’ve found a new company to get my teas. Ivy’s Tea Co. is awesome. I might write a review about them too, but I haven’t decided.
- I’ve been able to go out a little bit more.
- My son has finally decided to start reading Harry Potter and I can’t wait to share this fandom with him
I think that’s it for now. Typing it out does make one feel a little better about their lives and it’s always a good idea to honestly check in with yourself sometimes. Don’t always dwell on the bad things. It’s unhealthy.
I went book shopping today. I has no business going to a bookstore, but it was there and I was there, so yeah.
It’s a good thing my husband was with me or I would have spent hundreds in there. Literal hundreds. There was a very appealing copy of the annotated works of Lovecraft. However, I was good and only got two books.
You should be proud of my restraint.
The thing I dislike most about my natural hair is how long it takes to work with. The detangling, prewashing, washing, deep conditioning, oiling and styling process that can take the better part of an of day to complete. On top of all that, I may not even like the finished product, but I’ll be damned if I start over. I just won’t be satisfied for a few days.
Can you guess what I did today?
I’ve decided that today is a music day.
Listening to music is one of the things that I enjoy that depression hasn’t taken away. I can groove myself into a better mood.
Gonna switch up some old playlists and look for more writing inspiration. The well was starting to get dry.
Stay hydrated and take care!
One may recall a few days ago that I talked about slowing down and being good to yourself. Today, I can say that I need to get better about taking my own advice.
I hit a low point yesterday. Very low. The emotional stress of my life situation was already at my limit and life saw fit to throw one more thing to the pile. Something small that, on its own, wouldn’t have crushed me like it did. Unfortunately, this was the worst possible time to add more weight to my pile.
I was a wreck, weepy and angry all night. I slept a little but it was riddled with nightmares. The sun rose and I was upset about it. My husband got up for work and I wanted to cry more. My son got up for breakfast and I sent him back to his room.
I’m not in a good place. I haven’t really been in a good place for some time now. Seems like a familiar statement if you read my blog regularly, I know. Depression takes your negative feelings and experiences and amplifies them. The illness uses them to justify all the horrible messages that it throws at you constantly. Ultimately, negative thoughts become self fulfilling prophecy. I’m bad therefore bad things keep happening to me and vice versa. The cycle is exhausting.
I know I preach self care, but it’s becoming difficult to find anything that still works for me. The practice is effective and I do still believe it can help but I’m out of strategies that I can use. Hiding from the world isn’t an option right now. Things need to be taken care of and I’m the only person that can do them. Taking a walk has become a chore because of the oppressive humidity. Gardening falls into the same category. Funny movies aren’t working anymore. I play video games to pass the time, but there isn’t any real enjoyment there right now.
All of those are textbook depression symptoms. Knowing that doesn’t ease my mind at all. If anything, knowing makes it worse sometimes. I can’t always tell if the things I’m feeling are genuine or a product of how I know the disease works. Back to that self fulfilling prophecy I was talking about earlier.
Depression is a liar and a joy thief. Everybody knows this. Every day one can shake it’s grip and keep it moving is a blessing.
However, there are days when its whispers become screams and its weight becomes unbearable. You can feel the difference within yourself when this point comes. The body gets heavy. Its harder to get out of bed. Eating feels like a needless chore.
It may come to a point that you just keep pushing through these days. That may feel like a short term solution, but one becomes worn down. Everything is harder. The temper can flare and patience is very thin. One can become quite unpleasant to be around.
Remember: It’s okay to take time for yourself. It’s good for you even. Other may try to make you feel guilty about it but try not to let those voices in. One can care for others much more effectively if one’s own needs are being met.
It’s so hot outside, like disgustingly hot.
Please be careful if you must be outside for extended periods. Stay hydrated. Heat exhaustion/stroke is awful. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and it’s very preventable.
I am capable.
I am deserving of love and respect.
I am will to do what is needed to achieve my goals.
I am able to accept the good things that happen to me.
I am able to accept the kindness of others.
I am becoming who I’m meant to be.
I’ve had a weird day. I’ve…
-woken up far too early
-flaked out of a potentially important networking event
-woken up with the shakes
-felt terribly guilty for making people worry about me.
I think I’m okay now, just needed to eat. It’s still a bad feeling that I know how to avoid. I failed at taking care of myself again.
I’m much better today. I’ve been spending my days in bed but I made myself go outside for a bit. The weather is lovely and the sunshine feels great.
I don’t have any real plans and that feeling is nice. Plus, Wolf is free today and he insisted that I get out of the house.
Anyway, have a great day!