I want to buy all the things. Especially, Black owned things
All the makeup, even though it’s bad for my skin and I’m horrible at it.
All the clothes, even though they are expensive and I rarely leave the house.
All the trips, even though I’m not the biggest fan of people.
All the foods. even though I’m supposed to be trying to lose weight.
Buying things makes me feel good. Retail therapy is a real, but temporary solution to my emotional problems. It kinds of fills the voids that I have inside. Until it doesn’t anymore.
That happens too. Then things get really bad.
I hate being broke because I like buying things. When I can’t, my depression and anxiety enter a new level of irritating. Checking my bank account has reduced my to tears on many occasions.
Pardon my rambling. I’m trying to work through some things.
I visited a mound today.
A mound of Earth that was built by Native Americans around 1100 ad.
It was hot and the march to the top was exhausting, but I made it. The view from there is impressive, but imagine how it looked when it was new. Before time and industry wore it down. It had to have been amazing.
I thought about how my life would be if I has been born in that era. Working the fields in the same hot sunlight, preserving crops and fish for the brutal winters, birthing countless children without the aid of modern anesthesia. I’m sure I would have accepted it. How would I know any better? I would play the mother’s role as my mother and her mother did.
Standing on that mound made me reflective. I thought about all the people that had come before me. Civilizations that have come and gone before I was ever thought of. I thought about peoples that just went about their day to day lives, thinking about the past and future just like I do. Did those native women want to live free and happy lives just like I do? Did they dream of future generations and see greatness? The ancestors laid so much groundwork for us to build on and many of us ignore our historical connections altogether.
Would they be sad to know that? Would the people that came before us be bothered by the way we live now, locked in our own little bubbles?
I asked myself these questions and teared up. I hope I’m making my ancestors proud. I hope they gain the peace of knowing that their struggles and hardships weren’t in vain. I hope they are pleased that the legacy they left hasn’t been totally erased; that their lives mattered.
I decided, standing there in the summer sun, that I would live out my days in a way that would make my great grandmothers happy. I hope I’m part of the future they were dreaming of.
I’ve always wanted to travel.
Visiting new places is exciting and there’s so much I want to see. Especially the natural wonders that the world has to offer. I’m talking about Yellowstone, the Grand canyon, the Great Barrier reef. These times will not be around forever and I don’t want to miss my opportunity to visit them.
I’d also love to visit the wonders of the ancient world that are still around. The Roman Coliseum and the Temples in Greece. Venice would be a special trip. I hear the water is rising and much of the city is being damaged. Don’t want to miss my chance there.
Asia has been calling my name for ages. China and Japan have their own appeal but I would love to sample Indian and Indonesian food straight from the source. Angkor Wat is another place I want to visit before its gone.
I want to explore Morocco and Egypt. Nigeria and Kenya have some amazing volcanoes. There’s wildlife galore to keep me amazed for years.
The point is that I really need a vacation. A getaway with a destination of Anywhere sounds great to me. I’m ready and willing.