I was trying to work on some assignments this morning but it was more difficult than normal. I couldn’t focus. My thoughts wouldn’t solidify. I could barely form coherent sentences. Plus, I couldn’t stop shaking my left leg. I mean, rapid fire bouncing.
I know this is just an anxiety thing. I know I should just push through my feeling and take care of business, but things aren’t going well. I’ve been trying to stick with it, but I think I’m gonna give up and just submit what I’ve got done.
I don’t like feeling like this. The sensation of looming doom is terrible. I want to run away but the monster is in my head. I don’t know what to do.
I need to write more.
I’ve read about other writers that have set writing times each day. Some specific amount of time each day to put words on the page. I feel like this would work out well for me.
The only issue is finding the time. I already get up pretty early for work. Then, I’m off educating young minds for a good portion of the day. After that, I have to figure out food for the family and do some studying. If I manage to stay awake for that, I could get some writing done, but it’s hard to be inspired when you can barely function.
I used to get a lot of creative writing done late at night. I would stay up and hammer out all kinds of stories. A lot of it was fanfic, but I was still writing. Almost all of my multi-chapter stories were written, edited, or published after midnight. My ideas tend to flow better around 2 a.m.
This was back before I had to be coherent before 6 a.m. every day. When staying awake didn’t have any repercussions. Things are much different now.
I think my brain is slowly making adjustments. I’ve been taken with several little ideas during working hours. My fairy tale story is piecing itself together slowly. I can tell you that it will either include a princess or several elemental creatures. They won’t leave me alone.
I can’t always stop what I’m doing to write it down and some of my thoughts escape later recall. That’s the real tragedy here.
Also, when I’m too sad to think, writing is out of the question. I can’t barely stop hating myself to carry out basic life functions. You can forget anything creative. Waste of time. The winter/holiday season is usually hard on me. I get stuck in some real, unpleasant feelings. I can’t write and I feel bad about not writing which makes me not write more and that makes me feel worse.
And so on and so on and so on…
I very nearly lost my shit on a bunch of kids at work today. I really wanted to start screaming at them
To be fair, they were asking for it. They were not following directions and giggling in a very obnoxious way. You can only ask someone to be quiet and receive disrespect in return so many times.
I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and avoid having that conversation with my coworkers. I have a reputation of maintaining a certain level of emotional consistency with the kids. I don’t get loud. I don’t sink to their level, I expect them to try to meet me at mine.
I was just out of patience at 2:45 on a Friday afternoon.
You know how people say that your threshold for pain is better when your stress levels are lower? It’s a solid fact in my world. When I’m feeling okay, I’m willing to deal with more of someone’s nonsense. If I’m already carrying a heavy load before I get to you, anything that gets added on becomes a problem.
Lately, there have been lots of problems.
If I didn’t have schoolwork to finish, I’m sure that this evening would have been spent crying alone in my bed. It might still, honestly. Just managing to save face in front of my family is about all I have the energy left for at this point.
Thank Goodness for the weekend.
Something interesting happened at work today.
As you know, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with my life lately. I guess I’ve been doing a bad job of hiding it. Today was really hard for me and my coworkers got worried. They know about most of my struggles right now and respectfully asked me to “not show my face around school for the rest of the week.”
I’ve been very reluctant to take any time off for various reasons. We’re already shorthanded and there are some very involved kids in our class this year. Still, it took the threat of physical violence for me to give in. I could be mad at them, but I’m touched by their concern. They’re the best.
Therefore, I’m taking the rest of the week off.
The little girl I worked with passed away this morning. I talked about her in an earlier post.
I’m sad she’s gone but I’m glad she doesn’t have to struggle anymore.
Rest easy, Summer Rose.
I’m not doing well.
Essentially, I think I’m overwhelmed with my life. Work is hard. School is rough, too. My personal life is a shambles.
I want to bury myself until Spring. I want to hibernate. If bears can manage it, so can I.
Trying to remind myself that people exist that have things much more difficult that I do only serves to further remind myself that my feelings are valid and I have a right to them. I can keep repressing myself just because someone else’s life is shittier than mine.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I hate it.
Didn’t sleep well and I’ve been groggy all day.
The rainy weather wasn’t helping either.
Sorry these posts are so short. I’m swamped with work right now and creativity is running low.
Hope you guys are doing amazing!
Work was particularly frustrating today. Can’t say why.
I’m in a comfort food kind of mood. Too bad I don’t have comfort food money.
Being broke is terrible. I can’t save anything if I have to catch up whenever I get money.
I spent too much time relaxing this summer. I only say this because my body is having a hard time readjusting to my normal schedule. My body is sore and I’m worn out.
At the same time, I’m excited to get the school year going. I love seeing my friends progress through the year, ,even though the beginning can be rocky. We have to remember how to be at school, you know.
I’ll also do better about posting regularly. This weekend will be dedicated to getting some writing done and that includes blog posts!
Yesterday felt really nice.
I spent most of the day away from the internet. My son and I colored while watching Bob Ross reruns in the afternoon.
I needed the time to get out of my own head. Coloring was calming and having Bob Ross’ creative encouragement in the background made it more meaningful for both of us. I don’t color very often, but its a real pleasure. A different way to express the creativity is sometimes necessary.
I used to watch Bob Ross on PBS as a kid. It was always amazing to watch him create beautiful paintings as if it were nothing. On top of that, he always encouraged people to paint along with him. Bob said that one the technique was learned that it was easy. I always wanted to try it. I wanted to create masterpieces, too. I’m not sure why I never did.
Wolf and I binged Drunk History for a while after dinner. It was good to spend some quality time with him. We don’t get much time together when he works most of the day. It sounds dumb to say that I miss someone that I see daily, but this is where I find myself most days.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be mentally peaceful too. It’s the big day.
I’ll be headed back to prepare for a new school year.