Tag Archives: writing

Day 191: Blank Pages

I’ve wanted to be a writer my whole life.

Sure, I’ve had other career plans; cowboy, pharmacist, archer, etc. but I’ve wanted to write consistently the entire time. I even wanted to major in journalism when I started college.  (Goodness, that feels forever ago now.)

This online thing is nice, but nothing beats pen and paper in my book. Pretty pens and nice stationery get me all excited. I guess the words have more meaning if I write them down. A kind of old magic, I think. Saying things aloud gives words power but writing them down gives them more strength.

I have had lots of journals over the years. Hardcover, softcover, hell even loose leaf. My early writing was mostly random daily thoughts and some poems. I entered one of them in a contest when I was in middle school, I think. It came in second place if I remember correctly.

I’ve tried to keep up with all of them over the years, but Life has a funny way of getting in the way from time to time. For example, there was a blue binder I used to have that was full of my writing from my high school days. There was also a draft of a play I was working on. (Now that I remember it, my idea would have worked better as a novel.) I left it at my mother’s place when I moved out amongst other things. That house has since been destroyed by fire and things that I once thought were invaluable are lost forever.

Time passed and I kept writing. Fanfiction was a way I could work on my craft and get out some of my fangirly feelings. I wrote X-Men and Bleach stories for years. I even wrote a few erotic stories. (Those feelings needed to get out too, you know.)  They’re still online if you want to be bothered to read them, but I don’t think I’ll go back and finish. My heart just isn’t in it anymore. Marvel is trash and Bleach is finished, show’s over.

I have a nasty habit of collecting pretty journals. If one catches my eye, I’m hard pressed to not purchase it. I have lots of them just sitting on shelves in my space. Totally empty. Untouched since I bought them. It bothers me from time to time. I used to have so many stories to tell; so many words that I needed to get out before they escaped me permanently. Now, I’m lucky if I manage to get a hundred words put together every day.  Being surrounded by all these empty pages is kind of like being reminded of my shortcomings. I bought these things with ideas in mind for them; ideas that have faded into the ether of my memories. I have mental illness to thank for that, but I’ve been using that as an excuse for too long.

My goal for myself is to stop being passive with my writing; to stop being lazy and letting my ideas fade away. It doesn’t matter anymore about how poorly organized they are or how depressing they might be. It doesn’t even matter if they never form into a real story. I have to keep flexing my creative muscle or it will die. Its come close a few times already. Losing my ability to use words is something I couldn’t live with.

I’m putting all this into the universe. Stepping out on Faith, as the church ladies say. Writing it down and giving the words the power again. I’m finally ready to do the work. I’m ready to watch doors open in front of me. I’m ready to move forward.

Day 172: Return

My son came home today. He says he had a good time but he cant tell me what he actually did. He tried, but he wasn’t very good at expressing himself verbally today. I just listened and was glad he was back. Normally, I need a break from him but several days is more than enough.

On the other hand, I’m starting to feel a little down. This happens when I spend a lot of time on my own. I enjoy my solitude most of the time, but I had a weird, lonely feeling today. I’m supposed to get some writing done but I’m having trouble finding inspiration.

Maybe I’ll feel better later.

 

Day 158: Release Day!

I know I was supposed to write about fidget spinners today and I will post that particular rant at another time. Something more interesting has come up.

 

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Prepare yourself for this!

 

Remember that exciting thing that I couldn’t talk about yet?

No, you say.

That’s okay. I remembered and today I can share the news. I have one of my essay’s published in Spoken Black Girl magazine!!!!!!!!! How amazing is that!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s a brand new, online magazine that talks about mental health, wellness, and beauty featuring women of color. Chock full of other writers and bloggers to follow and be inspired by. Go check it out, guys!

Day 128: Finish Strong

 

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Accurate representation of my emotional state

 

 

Today sucked a lot of energy out of me. I’m sure its just the end of the semester crunch taking hold. I’m giving work and my classes everything I’ve got and it’s starting to show.

College school and work school are almost finished and I just want to relax.

Sadly, I have a paper to finish and other things to attend to. See ya’ll tomorrow.

Day 118: Grind

My knee feels better today. I’m glad I didn’t need to go to the hospital and I can get back to business.

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Very important business indeed.

My little world is expanding creatively. I’ve started submitting my writing in a few places. My little podcast is starting to feel like a real thing and not just something in my head. I just know my shot is just around the corner. I’ve committed myself to the work and things are beginning to move. I’m gonna be alright.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

 

Day 107: Storyteller

I have lots of tales stuck in my head. Romances, adventures, things like that.

One of the things they have in common is that they all have Black woman heroines. I don’t see enough positive portrayals in society, so I have to work on it myself.

The other thing is that all these stories don’t come out when I’d like them to. I set aside time for myself to write each day. These blogs usually serve as a warm up for me. Sometimes, I can carry on after this and some days I can’t. On days that I can, it can be rough actually getting anything resembling a story out. I get character descriptions mostly and small scenes from their lives. I could maybe put a book together like that, but its really up in the air.

One of my life goals is to become a published author. Not just self published either. I know there is a lot of work and rejection ahead of me, but I refuse to let that stand in my way. My stories deserve to be told. It can’t be worse than some of the other stuff I’ve come across.

Day 104: A Quick Poem

My happiness isn’t scary or offensive. I can laugh as long and as loud as I please.

You should find some joy of your own.

My pride in myself and my Blackness has nothing to do with you.

Stay out of my way.

The way I move my body is an expression of myself. Fast or slow, I’m gonna go.

Don’t judge my groove.

I don’t smile because I don’t want to. What does that have to do with you?

You aren’t the boss of me.

I’m gonna cry. Don’t try to stop me. My tears are probably your fault. I’ll sob if I wish.

Deal with it.

Let me be angry. Let me get loud. Let me deal with my rage in a healthy way.

You don’t own me.

Stop trying to contain my emotions. They aren’t going anywhere.

Perhaps, you should.

Day 102: Scattered

My thoughts are scattered lately. I want to go in a hundred different directions. Unfortunately, that isn’t feasible. I can’t do everything as I’m a human that needs to eat and sleep occasionally.

I want to get more exposure for my writing, but I’m having a hard time finding my niche. I know there are scatterbrains like myself out there. Where are you?

I want to do more creative writing. There’s a romance idea in my head but I’m having trouble making an interesting story happen.

I want to be a better cook. Sadly, by the time I get home every evening, cooking is the last thing on my mind.

These are only a few of the things that are keeping me awake at night, mostly creative issues. Other things, I’m willing to keep to myself for now.